Check out my HEMI

The sound is better than any piece of ass you'll ever have.

Monday, January 29, 2007

This isn't a shopping mart. It's a club.

Go home and change your shirt and maybe you can get in.

Despite what the KSK writers seem to think, not everyone was introduced to their blog through Deadspin. I was first tipped to its existence by another owner in my fantasy league, who alerted us of what I think was the first "Ten Yards of Awkwardness" interview, which was with Bears backup and last Michigan QB to win at Pasadena, Brian Griese. Immediately, KSK became the first site I went to every day at work. I check back for new postings at least twenty times in an average work day. After about a month of regular reading I began to submit comments to their postings. Eventually they required that each commenter register with Blogger. Then work took away personal email and this blog was born.

Along the way I read that the KSK writers came together from the Deadspin commenter group. I have grown to really enjoy Deadspin. While nowhere near as humorous as KSK, Deadspin is a sports news site with sharp wit well worth checking throughout the work day. Postings are short and a new one seems to appear every fifteen minutes, making it the perfect distraction. Just like with KSK, I eventually felt the strange need to share my thoughts in their comments section. Unlike most blogs, Deadspin does not just let anyone post a comment.
You appear to be a new user. We only allow in a commenter if the debut contribution is interesting, substantial or highly amusing. Polish up your words and confirm your password, above. Your comment will only appear once (or if) you're added to the membership list.
The first time I read this I was pretty sure the Deadspin high priest would let me join the congregation based on the high frequency of the unamusing, unsubstantial, and uninteresting comments posted. I wasn't about to polish my turd when it was destined to float amongst the collection of cocaine, diamond rings, and fecal matter in the Deadspin sewer.

Comment failed to post. Ok, damn, aaaight. So I started polishing up my shit. No luck. Even when I tried to correct and make fun of a commenter for saying
Pink Floyd's favorite team is Arsenal, so my favorite team is Arsenal. That's all I have to say on this topic.
my comment failed to post. I tried getting sneaky, attempting to send in a comment with a different user name (same IP address, however). Today I read on Deadspin that Barbaro had died. Currently, there are 430 comments posted, most of which are very clever. Many of the Deadspin commenters are consistently great. But come on, how many friggin' comments is it going to take before someone makes a joke referencing the song Dead Horse by Guns N' Roses? I attempted to submit one with a new login name, this one named "end user", and after about an hour it still says "sending comment..."

So at this point I have realized that
(a) Despite being a real website with paid employees, the comment function does not work properly for new commenters.
(b) Comments I have submitted have been so shitty that by posting them, Deadspin is better off blocking them than to post them and risk that it would cease to be a popular website. My turds are so big and smelly that they would just clog up the series of tubes. This is certainly a possibility.

If (a) is true and my frustration is due to a technical issue, every time I submit a comment, fine.

If (b) is true, fine also.

Either way, I'm done trying. I will no longer attempt to crash your party. While the Deadspin model is an effective means for keeping out undesirables, it certainly not the only one. KSK's board somehow stays at a high level without any registration. How? Through intimidatation!
While a great number of my comments surely have not amused anyone, I at least put in an effort to make them worth a chuckle, most of the time in the context of the thread, knowing that if they stink, they will just sit out there for everyone to smell and hopefully make fun of to discourage further attempts of bringing weak stuff into the lane. Not in Mr. Mohammed's neighborhood!

Deadspin, I understand that you have to have some kind of restriction on comments or they would number in the thousands most of the time, but if you are going to put a velvet rope between the comments section and the everyday readers and potential popgloss shoppers, please give the red card when existing commenters decide to Randy Moss one.

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Friday, January 26, 2007

Now is the Time to Dry Up This Stream of Crimes

It can happen anywhere, from gas stations to Starbucks. From your favorite team's enormo-dome to your office building. From your favorite bar to the county court house. Some places, like airports or rest stops are notorious for it. Unless you are drunk out of your mind, it is impossible to occur in your home if you are the sole resident. If you grew up in an Irish Catholic household, you almost certainly have been a victim and/or perpetrator. If you grew up in India, it has probably never happened to you. Women can be victims, but usually only in residences and small shops or restaurants. Perpetrators generally attack when they know that they can't be caught, although there is no law against this heinous act. If it has already happened, the likelihood of further violation to occur before repair increases dramatically, as shame has then been removed, and shame is the only real deterrent along with general decency and respect for others. To reduce the occurrence of this despicable act, the there needs to be a greater chance of incurring great shame if caught.

Thomas Crapper (1836-1910)

It is not known when the first male pissed on a toilet seat. Probably soon after Thomas Crapper's marvelous invention was introduced, someone urinated on the seat because he either
wanted to spite someone he knew would be next to use it or was too drunk to realize what he was doing.

Once a seat is pissed on, and the offender has escaped, there really is no point in lifting the seat to urinate. This is unfortunate, but true. If you're not the poor bastard that has to clean up the seat, you're probably going to try to just piss through without worsening the task for the defecator. Lifting the seat at this point, despite being a good natural reaction, only deepens the level of disgust and disappointment for the pooper, who pulls the seat down thinking that up = clean. <start of digression> I'm not really sure how other people do this, but if you raise or lower a seat with your hand as opposed to the sole of your shoe, you should practice this move until you have it down. There is never a need to put your hand directly on a toilet seat. Your ass is the only part of you that should ever come in contact with the seat in a public rest room, and if you're the type who lays out tp or a paper seat cover, that isn't even a necessary contact (you could catch the AIDS after all, right???) <end of digression>. It's strange, but you could be peeing with the already micturated-upon seat down and be shaking your head in disgust and saying to yourself something like "Some people...what a classless bastard". I mean, if you found the corpse of an animal that had been violated, would you start violating it thinking that it was somehow now fair game? I hope not.

You may be expecting a great (or crappy, ho ho ho!) solution to now be presented. You would be mistaken, sir or madam. While it would provide dream jobs for countless number of subscribers to toilet cam websites, security cameras are too expensive to implement and then there's the whole privacy violation thing. If there was a gage that could be installed to sound an alarm when the stall door opens while a seat is still wet, that would work but I don't think the technology for that is cheap enough yet, if it even exists. If you are in the plumbing/sanitation technologies field, a truly noble calling, please continue supporting research in seat piss prevention. You could become world famous like my hero, Thomas Crapper.

Bon Weekend!

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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Cup Guide

You wouldn't make it in pro football, but you could still try to qualify for the FA Cup.

Like me, you're sitting there in your home or office (or perhaps they are the same place) waiting for the Carling Cup match to start at 3PM Eastern time so you can start following it on The ESPN's gamecast or Setanta if you're a lucky bastard that gets that station. Arsenal is playing Tottenham and you have money on the game, but what does it all mean? It's too bad that there isn't some magical free encyclopedia-like web site that you could go to and find out. Don't fret, friend. Here's the "411" on the cup competitions relevant to English soccer.

Carling Cup
The Carling Cup is really the Football League Cup, which is sponsored by Carling, an English beer company. It is a seven round tournament of England's top 92 teams. The 2006-2007 tournament started in August of '06 and will finish this February 25th. All matches, with the exception of the final, take place on weeknights.

FA Cup
A whopping 687 teams entered the preliminary round of the FA Cup this year, which is the oldest soccer tournament in world history. The first FA Cup tournament took place in 1971-72. It's bigger and more prestigious than the Football League Cup, so when an FA Cup match is on at your local pub, you might want to say something like "Boy, this sure beats the hell out of watching that Carling Cup bullshit!" if you want to impress your English bartender.

The winner of the Carling Cup qualifies to join in the UEFA Cup (see below), as does the winner of the FA Cup. If the FA Cup winner will be participating in the Champions League (see below), the highest finishing FA Cup team to have not qualified for the Champions League gets a UEFA Cup entry.

This is sort of like the Carling Cup of Europe. There are 88 club teams that participate. Qualifying started in July 2006 and the final will be in May of 2007. Even more absurdly long than the NASCAR or PGA season here. Matches do not take place every week though.

UEFA Champions League
This is the big one. 32 of the best club teams in Europe qualify for the Champions League (never mind how). The top two teams in each of the eight groups of four advance to the knockout stage, which is starting in February. The final match will also be in May.

There really is no equivalent to this cup competition format in the US that I'm aware of, where the tournament is spread out across the better half of an entire year. My guess is that they exist to give the teams lots of matches to make money from ticket sales and tv revenue at this point. Plus you can bet on them. Which is nice.

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Winter X 11 Anthem

"Extreme" + "Sports" > Words

You've been waiting almost a whole year for the return of the Winter X Games. I have to say, that's an extremely long time, but on Thursday the wait is finally over. In honor of this annual fun event, I give you a short rap that I hope is discovered by The ESPN, and will then give me, you know, a little something for the effort.

Nothing is out of bounds
No chute is too extreme
Lift me up to your peak
Gonna melt your snow and make you scream
My milk run's going to make you stand and gape
Work you so hard, turn your straight skis to shaped
When I'm on your run, you'll feel it when I plant my pole
You'll yell out so loud they'll call the ski patrol
I'll wax up and traverse to your backside I will glide
Then make a face plant in your mogul on the other side
Have fun on the blue squares and black diamonds bros
I'll be on the brown stars and pink tacos

Terrain park ho's making money turning pro
Run their show getting dumped on with snow
Turning filthy tricks off your jumps
Wax up your rails and grind on your stumps
Chump Winter athletes gonna land on their rumps
When I come with speed and launch into air
Your panities get so wet they freeze to the chair
Ask on the lift and I'll take off my mask
Unzip my snow pants for you to take a hit off my flask

When I come through laying big fresh tracks
Plowing through your tight crevace
It might hurt for a second so just try to relax
I'll be sure to take off my glove
When I snap-turn stop and spray you with love
Whether I'm schussing down your fall lines or busting a heli
I'm bringing sexy to your back country

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Monday, January 22, 2007

Why Not Sell Matching Shorts?

I've also got an FMS sack.

It has been quite a while since any fitness celebrity John Basedow material has been featured. Sorry about that. For just $34.90 you can have this great gift delivered to your door. What, it's too expensive, you say? Maybe you're just poor, or didn't realize that it is a limited edition shirt, you know, like a Ferrari or fine wine. You get what you pay for.

While you're at it, why not add to your virtual shopping cart an Inspirational Photo Set (scroll all the way to the bottom)! For $39.95 you get not one inspirational photo of fitness celebrity John Basedow, not two photos of fitness celebrity John Basedow. Three you say? Wrong! Try doubling that. That's right, for $39.95 you will get all six inspirational photos of The Man himself.

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Sunday, January 21, 2007


Good day to all of you self-centered social climbers! Today is the greatest sports day of the year. The Arsenal Manchester United match is about to start, then later the two NFL conference championship games are happening. I will later provide some suggestions on what to watch between the action. I am planning on providing commentary on the games for as long as I am alone in my apartment, which will probably be until 2PM or so.
This is Man U's first visit to Emirates Stadium, and they are wearing the blue unis with red trim. If they can pull out a win today, they will have all but wrapped up first place in the premiership. If they lose to Arsenal, the table becomes very tight at the top with wins by the 3rd and 4th place teams at home versus the 1st and 2nd place teams.

Man U has had the chances in the first five minutes, with a corner, a free kick, and shots wide by Ronaldo and Giggs from just outside the box. Adebayor's hair is not in corn rows today. Looks like holmes brought out the Fabulaxor.

Besides being fun to watch anyway, this match has fantasy and financial implications for some players. Nice corner by Rosicky, as Arsenal looks to be controlling play more. Thierry Henry, who was injured earlier this year and kept out of all play until January, has been playing fine ball since his return. Whoa, well after play was stopped for a foul, there is an incident to the left of Man U keeper Lehman involving Wayne Rooney and Eboue for Arsenal, who appeared to give a forearm to Rooney's head. I doubt the ref saw the cards and no real injury here. 24:01 Arsenal looks like they are playing a man up right now and control play deep into Man U's end. They appear to be only keeping 2 or 3 players up around the goal or in the corners area with 3 midfielders across the top of the box. It works well when the ball scoots out, but they have been outmanned for the ball from crosses. Now a corner...excellent placement by Thomas Rosicky, the Czech midfielder who scored twice against the US in the World Cup, and Van de Saar punches it away. 28:00 fancy footwork by Ronaldo is not burning the Arsenal defense to this point, as teams begin to counter more quickly. Fabregas's volley blast is deflected out by Vidic. Arsenal looks like the better team so far. Great chance for Arsenal as Adebayor makes a brilliant cross to Henry who heads it on goal from the left side from close range, but right at Van de Saar. Poor play by an Arsenal defender leads to a rush in by Wayne Rooney, but is eventually stopped. Henry tries to sell a penalty kick without success. Beautiful defense on Giggs, followed by a rush by Arsenal leads to a free kick from just outside the top of the box, to be taken by Henry...blocked by the wall, then a decent shot low on goal by Rosicky off the deflection is saved. Corner for Man U now...punched away after bouncing around in the box by Lehmann, right to Rooney, who nearly scores with a great blast. Another corner. Another set of outstanding saves by Lehmann and we're at halftime.

I really need to throw away this pair of boxers. There is a hole expanding right in the sack/taint area. I could probably push it another month or so. Maybe more. Maybe I should put an ad on craigslist.

Boxer Fetish
Do you have a fetish for boxer shorts? For $20, I will meet you and take my boxers off and give for you to keep. I will make sure to wear them for at least 24 hours so there is a strong scent left in them shits.
Thierry Henry is the master of moving the ball up the field by short dribbles on the top of his foot. He does this at a rather slow pace which gives him the option of either quickly accelerating past the defender if he is caught flat-footed or passing it off to a teammate after sucking in defenders to him.
45:00 Special lady calls and I talk to her while watching a nice blast on goal from Arsenal and then a great run by Ronaldo that leaves to a corner. All game the Arsenal D has played with great poise and awareness of each other, as they have continued to control and pass the ball up rather than blast away after intercepting the ball deep in their own end. Just noticed that Van Persie hasn't been in there. ROONEY SCORES ON A DIVING HEADER FROM THE RIGHT SIDE! He put it in after a great cross. The pace has really picked up. Having bet that Arsenal would win or tie, I am really looking for an equalizer, and soon. Rosicky nearly puts it in on a low drive that goes just wide. I hope he finishes better with the ladies.

It's important to pick your spot in a big game like this for taking a shit. This is no time to be consitpated.

They just showed Van Persie on the bench with his bitchy little haircut. Now he is set to come into the game for Hleb, who is not really doing much out there...and the substitution is made at 66:20. Outstanding chance by Arsenal as Adebayor nearly puts it in from the air. Van de Saar is hurt on the play and is being attended to. a bicycle kick by a Man U defender cleared the ball out. Throw in for Arsenal does not lead to a chance. 76th minute now. Van de Saar is really taking his time setting up the goal kicks as Arsenal is beginning to play with a little more desparation. Free kick Van Persie...results in Arsenal corner. Fabregas takes it, headed out for a corner at the other side. No result for the gunners, and they follow by subbing in Baptista for Flamini. Henry has been quiet this half for Arsenal. Now Henrik Larrson is subbed out for Saha. Amazing depth on Man U, and they nearly score on a corner.

Badass goal by Arsenal! Rosicky emerges with the ball on deep in the right corner, who crossed the ball. It may have been touched slightly by Henry, but it goes past him to van Persie who dives in and gets a foot on the ball somehow at the left post and buries it in the top of the goal.

Ronaldo gets a yellow card for kicking the ball away after going out of bounds. -1 fantasy point. -2 for me since he is my captain, and he is being subbed out for Heinze. 90th minute now. +4 minutes have been set for injury time. Rooney nearly gets a card for some hard play in the Arsenal end. The guy is a bulldog. Really fun to watch.


THIERRY HENRY HEADS IN A GOAL ON A GREAT CROSS BY EBOUE!!!!!!! Just a couple of seconds left now...Lehmann makes a save on a soft ball on goal...AND IT'S OVER!!!!! Amazing soccer. With 10 minutes left Arsenal was desparately trying to tie it up and they emerge with the win with a goal by their best player in extra time. What a game.

Wow. I'm heading out for the football american, but I'm predicting Saints and Pats victories. Things to consider doing while waiting for the 3PM game:

-eat food
-drink beer or liquor
-take a shower
-head to the store to buy food, drinks, pornography, or soap/shampoo
-go to a strip club
-do some light dusting. don't forget the top of those ceiling fan blades!
-cruise the casual encounters ads
-tell your significant other how special he/she is and that you feel very close to him/her right now. Now being the hour and a half before the start of the first NFL game.
-do some push ups, a wall-sit, or some front and side planks, followed by a satisfied 30 second stare into the mirror.
-place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. place your bets. The end is not here, by the way. There are ways, dude. Believe me, you don't want to know.

I will be doing many of the activities above. Soon I will be heading out into the light snowy outside and walking to the Metro, which I will take to Ballston, get picked up, and go to lady friend's. Stop booing, there is a 50" high def tv there.

Kyle Orton is moist with anticipation. Are you?

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Thursday, January 18, 2007


It has finally happened. Internet gambling is over. On my preferred site, one can only make a deposit by wire transfer or credit card and withdrawals can only be made via check. Not e-check. Check. Not into that.

I like both road teams to win. If anyone wants the moneyline in the opposite direction in either game, let me know.

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

note: The following post is a shameless attempt by a lifelong Lions fan to incorporate his pathetic team into his first posting to this site. I know it's conference championship week. I know the Lions have been mathematically eliminated since August. I promise it won't happen again.

Dear Brady Q,

I know your secret, Brady. It’s OK, I’m here to help.

It isn’t easy for a man to go through what you did. I have sisters too, my friend. During last year’s Fiesta Bowl, when AJ Hawk graphically described what he had done to your sister, Laura, the night before, it was an underhanded psychological ploy that violated the man-code. The thought of that Hulk Hogan-wannbe even looking at my sister gives me the chills. Finding out he peed in her butt? I don’t know if I could handle it. But when he got the OSU defense to act it out on your passing game?? That was downright cruel.

What are you gonna do, when Hulkamania

runs wild on you?

I know that it still hurts during those late nights, after another loss to a ranked opponent, when you just can’t get it out of your head. I’m talking about those special nights when even listening to the O’Jays ‘She Used to be My Girl’ isn’t enough to cheer you up. Well Brady, the good news is…I am here to help.

The Sugar Bowl is over. Future Michigan coach, Les Miles kicked your boy Charlie Weiss right in the FUPA. It’s time to turn your attention to your pre-draft personal workouts. If you follow my program you will finally be able to overcome what happened and move on to fulfill your destiny as the latest Ryan Leaf, Akili Smith, or whichever first-round-bust you decide to emulate.

I know it’s hard. You try to focus on football, but in every pressure situation the only thing you can see is your sister’s gaping asshole being sprayed with urine from AJ’s red and swollen member. Is that santorum on his cock? It doesn’t matter.

On to the program.

First, absolutely NO combine for you, too many people know the story. If Ted Ginn Jr tells you about the wedding night video again, you may lose it forever. You need the stable environment that only a private workout can afford. Just think…You can still have your traditional pre-game match of cornhole with Jeff Samardzija to get you in the right mood.

I also want you to start a visualization routine right now. When those old images of piss and shit and Laura cloud your mind, I want you to think back to happier times.......Back to bathtime at the Quinn house. Maybe 8 is a little old to take a bath with your sister, how can you be responsible for those feelings? I blame your mom...........Or back to middle school when you used to burst into Laura’s room hoping to catch her in just the right state of undress. Think back to the times it worked. Nice!........... Think back to high school when Laura used to ‘accidentally’ leave the bathroom window open while you were outside mowing the lawn. Like she didn’t want you to look. She knew you could see right in while she was shaving her legs and soaping up her muscular breasts.

"MOM! Brady took a picture of me on the toilet again"

I hope that practice at this technique will allow you to find a way to block out the bad thoughts when they pop up. We are going to save the best visual for the day of the workout. After you finish with Jeff, I want you to spend a few minutes alone..........I want you to think back to that special day. You know the one I’m talking about........

The night before Thanksgiving, your freshman year of college. The night that you and Laura got caught up in the booze-addled nostalgia of the night. How can someone be so tender, yet so uninhibited??? It had to be because it was you.......Think about her gentle touch on your balls.... the sound of your fingers sliding in and out of her dripping love mound.....the smell of her musk........the look of pleasure/pain on her face during that special moment where your souls melded in mutual ecstasy.....

If you practice enough, you will be able to transplant yourself to that time, when everything was right with the world. I will be goddammed if your passes aren’t crisp, your decisions aren’t solid, and your mind isn’t limber.

Now, you may be asking yourself

‘Why would he be helping me? He’s a Lion’s fan AND he knows I suck. If my workout goes well, the Lions might draft me. They are run by nitwits.’

You must consider the following:

In a perfect world, the Tiger's 2006 season made Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick realize that a successful sports team offers countless new opportunities to raid the city’s coiffures. Realizing this, he has sent the Kwame Mafia to kidnap Matt Millen and replace him with Alex Karras. Like William Clay Ford would notice.

Karras would then do the right thing and trade down with the Lions’ #2 pick. A good workout from you could go a long way toward enticing a would-be buyer. I'm sure Karras would throw in Webster's autograph, and a pair of Susan Clark's soiled panties for good measure.

Of course, this is farfetched. But I have learned one thing as a Lions fan. A quarterback bust is a lot more fun to watch (and write about) than an offensive tackle bust.

So Brady, let me be the first Detroiter to welcome you to town. I’ll even come down to South Bend and help you make the short trip up I-94. I've made the trip before. A good workout from you could light up Millen’s eyes, ensuring your place alongside Chuck Long and Andre Ware in Lions lore.

I can't wait.


Dr. Blackstones


Monday, January 15, 2007

I am So Fucking Worried

Right after we got out of the cab coming back from the Lakeside Casino in South Lake Tahoe the driver yelled out.

"You leave a cell phone?"

Jon ran back about ten steps on the frozen driveway to the cab, grabbed the phone, and resumed walking to the room. After five seconds it was clear that the phone did not belong to any of the four of us. Having lost a phone recently, I wanted to make an effort to get it back to the owner and make contact as soon as possible, because it was probably driving that person nuts looking for it.

The phone was a high tech piece of equipment. The enV. It folds out the long way and has a full keypad inside as well as a camera with a zoom on the outside. We arrived back to the room drunk and intent on kicking it into another gear with manhattens and PBR. Contacting the owner seemed like a bad idea at that particular time, as we were in no condition to make any arrangements for meeting up or mailing the thing--that would have to wait until the next day. We were, however, in fine condition to snoop through the phone looking for a name or number of the owner. The first name in the contacts was "Brittany", who had a 702 number. None of us had any idea what area of the country that was, but it was later determined to have been a Miami number as the picture on the front of the phone contained the word Miami. The next name was "Britt's mom", so the owner was clearly a dude and Brittany was his girlfriend.

The text messages in the inbox were not all that special, unlike some in the outbox.

- "Where are you? I am so fucking worried."
- "Stay fucking there."

Both were to Brittany. As bombed as we were, nothing could have been more hilarious. Days later, both of these are highly amusing to me and probably to the other three good friends of mine on the trip. Somehow the phone ended up getting put down for the night as the drinking, shithead playing, and log burning in the fireplace continued.

After skiing the next day I decided that I would figure out a way to let the dude know that we had the phone so we could set up a plan to get it back to him. First, I unsuccessfully tried to send a text message to Brittany telling her that the phone was found and to call my number to get it back. Message failed. Up next was the voicemail option. I was unable to find the number, but someone else--Jeremy or Joe I think, found it. I called the number and it made the fast busy signal.

At this point we realized that the guy had either canceled or suspended his service. He must have wanted the phone back, unless he has the loss insurance, but even if that was the case there must be phone numbers and other things he'd want pictures.

We went straight to the photo gallery. The first few photos were of pretty views, some girl with lots of piercings, and the like. Then BAM!!! Picture after picture of someone's (= Brittany's) pussy, with various numbers of fingers stuffed in depending on the photo. Wow! These were followed up with a picture of a girl flashing what looked to be faux fun bags and a couple of the dude looking down at his crotch while on the business end of a hummer.

Needless to say, we were quite pleased with this find. Brittany, Brittany, Brittany...I had no idea you were such a dirty little minx! Rawwwr!!!! Does your mother know?

The thought of sending Britt's mom a picture of her snatch crossed Jon's mind, but it was just an idea--we're not that evil.

Later on the night of discovering the puppet stuffin' photos, and this was the day after the phone was adopted, I decided after some heavy drinking that it was high time to give our girl Brittany a call. The phone battery was on the way out and if the phone was going to get returned it was going to have to go through Brittany.

I dialed up her 702 number on my phone. It rings...several more answer, goes to voice mail. I relay this information to the others in the room who were standing or sitting around enjoying this immensely. I took a deep breath, then it came: BEEP!
"Uh, hi. My name is ___ and the other night we found the phone of someone with the number 702.... in the back of a cab..."

In the background I could hear my friends yelling things like "Brittany, stay fucking there!" and "How do you like my fingers, Britt?" and "Call back Brittany. Where are you? We are so fucking worried!". I of course started laughing hysterically to the point of tears. About 30 seconds of uncontrolled laughter would be followed by me pulling it together. Briefly.
"So yeah, we found this phone and we saw your number in it."

And again from the background: "I'm so fucking worried!...finger BANG!"...and another 30 second pause during my uncontrolled fit of laughter.

"So if you could let the person with number 702... to call 202..., we can set something up to get the phone back. Thanks."
It has been almost two days since the message and I have not heard back from dirty-dirty or her boyfriend, so I think that the message probably wasn't as well received as I initially had intended for it to be. I'm guessing that Brittany was extremely disturbed and angry at dude, and they probably broke up. Whatever is going on, I certainly am not getting a call back.

The phone's battery is totally dead. I am considering buying a charger for it to look through the phone's videos, other outgoing texts, and contact names, then writing a book or short story about the dude's trip to Tahoe using the information about dude's life in the phone that I can find. Sounds like a winner to me. What do you think?

Have a safe and happy MLK day!


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Greetings From Da Yay

About to drive to the 'hoe for the weekend to ski and gamble. Really looking forward to stepping up to the counter and giving my picks. It's hard to find money lines in Nevada, so I'm going to have to go for picks involving the spread. Here's what I'm liking right now:

Baltimore -3.5 vs. Indy

The game will be outdoors in the cold. Last week the Colts dominated on both sides of the ball, but if you study the game film you will notice that they were playing the Chiefs, the worst playoff team in the AFC and maybe the entire league. Baltimore is a tuff fucking team that will protect the shit out of their house.

Philly +5 at New Orleans

The N.O.K. Saints are a fun team to watch and root for, but I have several friends from Philly and I like it when they are happy so I root for them most weeks. I've done well betting on them the past several weeks because the lines have been favorable since jeff garcia has been in charge. JG gives you 95% of what Donovan gives you. Not quite as good of a passer, but not ashamed to be black like Donovan is. Jeffy will actually run if nobody is around him.
Seattle +8.5 at Chicago

8.5 is way too big of a number in the playoffs not to take.

New England +5 at San Diego

I can't fucking wait for this game. Baltimore/Indy is going to be great as well, but come on now...this is the game. I wouldn't be shocked if SD wins the game, even by a wide margin, but I have to take the 5 if NE is getting it.

Awful Chief -4 patties at In-N-Out Burger

I have never been to In-N-Out and not finished a 4x4, but I had a huge breakfast at Ole's Waffle Shop in Alameda. My internal processor should find some room for the big one, but probably not enough for seconds.

Update: I only bet on the first two games and I put twice as much on Bawmore as on Philly, so getting three of the four didn't send me to early retirement. At In-N-Out last Thursday I put down a 4x4, a 2x2 animal style, and a vanilla shake, so my six patty performance was a resounding cover.

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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Stand Up And Say Hello!

Along the right side of this page is a link which, when clicked on, will open up an email program like outlook. Through sexy yet cold cyber-technology, it will send to all you have to do is type in a subject line and a message. For example:


Message body:
yo, check out this dude's gunt!
cool, bra, I'm gonna go finish up this phat line. go bucks!

It's that easy.


Monday, January 08, 2007

Tony Romo Is Overrated

Notice how I didn't do something funny like changing Romo's last name to "homo" or "slomo"? That's because if I had done that it wouldn't have been funny, but instead retarded. Last name jokes get old real quick and I should know with an easily mockable last name like Battleship.

Something else that got old a long time ago was the hype over Tony Romo. He had a great first six games going 5-1 and then tanked over the last five going 1-4. That's as much meaningful analysis as I'll provide on Romo because, again, its getting old.

I'm more interested in focusing on meaningless analysis because it involves the Lions. All that you need to know about Romo is that he led his team to a home loss against the Lions.

In the Matt Millen era, now six years in the books, only 18 quarterbacks have lost to the Lions. I've separated them based on race for no reason whatsoever:

Anthony Wright, Jeff Blake, Aaron Brooks, Michael Vick (twice), and Quincy Carter.

Trent Dilfer, Kurt Warner (twice), John Navarre, Todd Bouman, Craig Hutchinson (twice), Chris Chandler (twice), Rex Grossman, David Carr, Brett Favre (twice), Marc Bulger, J.P. Losman, Rick Mirer, and Tony Romo (I know that Michael Irvin has an alternative theory about Romo's ancestry but despite my overwhelming respect for Irvin's intellect I'm listing Romo among the white QBs).

Now then, what can we extrapolate based on these findings? I would suggest that there are four types of quarterbacks that you will find here.

1) The shitty type: Wright, Carter, Navarre, Bouman, Mirer, and Hutchinson.

2) The mediocre and over-the-hill type: Brooks, Blake, Chandler and Dilfer.

3) The great but over-the-hill type: Favre and Warner (who actually went 4-11 in the loss that Marc Bulger started).

4) The jury-is-still-out-on type: Romo, Vick, Bulger, Grosman, Carr, and Losman.

The point that I'm trying to drive home has nothing to do with Tony Romo. Actually, I was hoping to draw you in so that I could talk about how much the Lions suck without you giving up on my blog entry. If you are disappointed, just walk it out like the lyrical artist Unk counsels.

Its easy to know and acknowledge that the Lions suck. All you have to do is watch a game or catch SportsCenter on an autumn Sunday evening. It is more important to understand how badly the Lions suck.

The level of suckiness that the Lions have achieved under Millen's watch is legendary. They have the 3rd-worst six-year record of any team in NFL history. Both of those franchises (Tampa Bay and Buffalo) have had vastly more success in the playoffs than the Lions since they came into the NFL.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not one of these "Fire Millen" cats who thinks that getting rid of Millen will fix everything. In fact, I don't think that firing Millen will fix anything.

The problem is with ownership. Putting Bill Ford Jr. back in charge of the team won't fix anything. See what it did to the Ford Motor Company (FMC) when little Willy gave up his day-to-day oversight of the Lions (when Millen was hired) and decided to focus his energies on FMC.

Ugh. Well, The Battleship won't be nearly as Lions-focused as this from now on, but I wanted to keep things real for my first post on this esteemed blog.

Go Big 10!


What Had Happened Was...

If you are a new reader or may not remember, my primary interests in life are sports, girls, and alcohol. Most of the subjects I write about have something to do with at least one of these three things. For the math or philosophy majors out there, you probably remember that the upside-down "U" is the symbol for intersection. A "U" with a vertical line through the middle and then rotated 90 degrees is the symbol for being an element of a set. You probably also remember Venn diagrams.

Please let me know if I start writing often about subjects for which their intersection with these three sets of topics is the null set. Here is an example of something that I would like to avoid:
Christmas was super awesome! I got an ipod and my Mom cooked a delicious dinner.
For this reason I will not recount my LA trip in its entirety. Most of it, however, fits into multiple intersections of the big 3.

working out in
The Sports Club LA: sports, girls
-I stayed with an extremely wealthy family friend in Newport Beach on the 30th. On NYE day I went as a guest to this place. The curbside valet parking area had several Ferraris in it. The place was unbelievable. HD LCD tv's on each of the treadmills. I watched the Lions humiliate the Cowboys while running. The locker room was like in a ritzy golf club, only with more tv's. The women working out were very distracting, unlike most of the frumpy gunty gals in my gym.

new years eve in Santa Monica: alcohol, girls
-My good pal Anthony, aka Ankwan aka Anfernee, aka Bone, lives in Santa Monica and hosted a fantastic party at his apartment on NYE. Several of my close friends were out for this event. At around 9 we all walked a block from his place to a nice little bar, where we had a table reserved. We had multiple bottles of Stoli and mixed it with all the usuals and sometimes nothing. There was no dress code, but I decided to wear a pretty stylish black button down shirt. I won't say the designer, but Jackie Aprile, Jr. would have proudly worn it. As noted by a pal of mine, and possible future contributor, the alcohol led me to unbutton the second button, button it back up, and unbutton it again: "You know, a lotta guys wouldn'ta reversed that."
This combination of haute fashion and alcohol transformed me from man to sexy drunk man. At least one female was impressed. I danced awkwardly, drank, and made out with her a lot at the bar. Both of our sets of friends left us at the bar as it looked like we were both ready to experience the ultimate. Unfortunately, my accomodations for the night were the cushions of Ankwantomino's couch. Hers were the pullout couch in a hotel room shared by her and four of her friends. So instead of a happy ending to the night I gave her $10 to take a cab to her hotel and walked to the apartment. Great night though. I also received the following text message from an unknown number at 12:39AM:
Off the wagon. Let's meet at the 40 yard lines tomorrow for our make out session.
I later learned that this was sent by the roommate of a friend of mine, whom I have not met but must be a pretty great young lady. I also received a "Happy New Years from a very drunk [first name of awful ex-girlfriend]" text message. Yuck.

Rose Bowl: sports, alcohol, girls
The game really sucked. It went from being painfully boring to just painful. Drinking and walking around before the game was fun though. The girl from the bar was in my section right by the exit tunnel so I chatted with her at halftime. Amazingly, she seemed less hot and at least five years older than I remembered her. How about that! The USC cheerleaders are stunning. The Michigan cheerleaders were, um, less stunning...and smarter!

Ok, I need to start doing work so that I don't get fired. I do modeling. I'm not a model, I just build them.

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Sorry for the Coitus Interruptus

Today I resume writing almost every day through Wednesday, when I head out to the brown mountains of Lake Tahoe for some skiing if they somehow get some snow. So expect some 7th grade level reading from now until then, and probably a few times when I'm out there.

Big News

Check out my HEMI has acquired a free agent to bolster its offensiveness throughout the NFL playoffs and beyond. Some facts about this untapped barrel of talent:
- extremely beefy. you stick him in under center and he'll get you the tough yard on a 4th and 1, or at least get in there and call a time out.
- biggest Lions fan I know. owns a James Stewart jersey.
- biggest drinker I know. drinking with him I sometimes feel like a big unsanitary pussy.
- outstanding poster to fantasy league message boards. Here is an example:

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Lions Are Big Dry Turds

Turds can get very large and dry if a person is constipated, causing painful stretching of the anal opening. Pooping can also hurt if the person has hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids are engorged veins in the anal area. A doctor once described them to me as "varicose veins of the anus," which suggests that the valves in the veins that are supposed to keep the blood flowing in the right direction have gotten messed up. Pooping can also be painful if the person suffers from an anal fissure, a tear in the tissue of the rectum.
Expect some hard yards from The Battleship.

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