Home stretch

Well here we are. Week 13. Fantasy regular seasons are wrappping up. The playoff picture is starting to shape up. The Lions still searching for their first victory. Ahh.

Bills (-6.5) VS 49ers
West coast teams can't play on the east coast this year, esp. at 1pm. Also, I haven't checked the weather, but I bet it will be cold in Buffalo.

Saints (+4.5) @ Bucs
I have a feeling the Saints are gonna go on a bit of a run here. I think the trip to London really messed with them. Plus they need this much more than the Bucs.

Panthers (+3) @ Pack
Pack looked bad last week.

Giants (-4) @ Redskins
Giants are too good. Even without Plaxico. How do you think this happened? Did he sit down and the gun was tucked into his belt? Did he try to put it in his belt and it went off? Was it in a holster? I'm dying to know.

Dolphins (-7) @ Rams
The Rams are very bad. Too bad the Lions don't have them on the schedule. They might actually cover.

Ravens (-7) @ Bungals
Ugh. I'm glad I don't have to watch this.

Colts (-4.5) @ Browns
This line confuses me.

Jets (-7) VS Broncos
The Bronocs aren't quite west coast, and the game is at 4 so earlier rules may not apply. But the Broncos stink.

Falcons (+6) @ Chargers
Seems like the Chargers are favored by quite a bit. not sure why.

Pats (-2) VS Steelers
Pats really need this one, and they are at home.

Radiers (-3) VS Cheifs
They say that home field is ususally worth around 3 points in the spread. Makes a lot of sense if you look at this line.

Vikings (-3) Vs Bears
The Bears have had a hard time stopping the run the last few weeks (of course except for vs the Lions). Not good with AP in town.

Jags (+3) @ Texans
A classic matchup for MNF. Good work NFL.

Last Week- 9-7-1 (includes thanksgiving)
Season- 70-57-3

Picks be a Lady

Need this week. Two roughly .500 weeks in a row, with last week 6-8-1. Overall 73-48-1. Respectable, but not good enough to start up one's one 800 number. With that, going back to airport codes.......

BWI at CVG - +7 - Damn AFC North. These teams still don't like each other and even with CVG playing well at home, I see Fitzpatrick in thr ground a lot. BWI

IND at CLE - +5 - Colts are much better than these browns and with D Anderson back, Browns not much better, but this team for some reason will win the games it needs to save Romeo's job (and Braylon's). CLE

MIA at STL - +7 - Just don't see the Rams being competitive anymore. MIA

CLT at GRB - -3 - Pack is mad after being humiliated. Though Panthers will run all over them, I'm hoping for a miracle push. GRB

MSY at TPA - -4½ - Not sure why this line is so high, MSY is still solid. Take the points.

EWRa at IAD - +4 - Giants all way. EWRa

SFO at BFK - -7 - Bills keep pouring it on and those west coast teams don't fare to well in the ET time zone.

ATL at SAN - -5½ - Vegas still no respect for those Falcons. ATL

MCI at OAK -3 - Oakland starting to play better and 3 points against an awful Chiefs team should be a piece of cake. OAK

PIT at BOS -1 - Um, yeah PIT.

DEN at EWRa -8 - I know Jets are much better than Denver, but Shanny will get his boys up to the task and keep it close. Especially after being embarrassed last week. DEN

ORD at MSP -3½ - Bears can not beat a team in the NFC North outside the lions. Vikings stuff Forte and that's it. MSP

NIP at IAH - -3 - Have the Texans really arrived? I say yes they have. IAH

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Titans (-11.5) @ Lions
Luckily this game is the early game. Get it out of the way. If this game was on during dinner, there would be much vomiting. My predicition: 300 yards rushing for the Titans.

Cowboys (-11.5) VS Seahawks
Ugh. Good work NFL.

Cards (+3) @ Eagles
Well, it was a good try by the NFL to have a competitive game. Who knew the Eagles would be so bad.

The Fix Is In!

After last weeks debacle in Pittsburgh, the gambling community is a bit skittish to say the least. Between the penalties and that phantom forward pass, it's pretty clear the NFL wanted the Chargers to cover. The fact that there was over $100 million more bet on the Steelers than on the Chargers is the icing on the cake. Fear not, we are here to help you.

Texans (+3) @ Browns
Cleveland stinks if not on MNF.

Bills (-3) @ Chiefs
The Bills need to right the ship, luckily they get KC.

Jets (+5.5) @ Titans
This is the end of the undefeated road for the Titans

Dolphins (+2) VS PAts
I hate Bosoton fans. This pick is for spite.

49ers (+9.5) @ Cowboys
I don't think the Cowboys have put it all back together yet.

Lions (+8) VS Bucs
My fantasy team has been the anti-Lions. They were 10-0, now they are 10-1. Look out for the reverse from the Lions.

Ravens (-2) VS Eagles
Eagles have issues.

Bears (-7) @ Rams
Trent Green?!? Get Fucked!!

Vikings (+2.5) @ Jags
I pick the Vikings every week. One of these weeks it will work.

Panthers (+1) @ Falcons
Who knows with this one?

Broncos (-8.5) Vs Raiders
Shanahan still hates Al Davis. Nothing like kicking your enemy while they;re down. Right Buckeyes?

Redskins (-3) @ Seahawks
Redskins need this one. Seahawks need new players.

Giants (-3) @ Cards
Giants are too good.

Colts (+3) @ Chargers
This line doesn't make any sense. Unless the NFL is involved, that is.

Packers (+2) @ Saints
Why are the Saints favored exactly?

No Title = All Glory

The glory of being unchained to anything a post season in any sport means one can really focus on real life and games we don't care too much about, which means this will be a glorius AFE year. Now if only those damn Bills can get me a C.

San Francisco 49ers at Dallas Cowboys -9½ - SFO - SF does stink, but Mike gets em mad. Prob on wrong end of this one, but screw the boys.

Philadelphia Eagles at Baltimore Ravens -1½ - BAL - If the Eagles couldn't score against the Bengals, what the heck is going to happen when they play Ray "Le"-wis.

New York Jets at Tennessee Titans -5½ - NYJ - Jets and entire AFC East is overrated, but this is lots of points.

Buffalo Bills at Kansas City Chiefs +3 - BUF - Come on Bills. Take your missed FG anger out on the Cheifs.

Minnesota Vikings at Jacksonville Jaguars -2½ - MIN - Just have a feeling MIN finally wins a tough road game.

New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins +1½ - MIA - Time for Phins to shine.

Chicago Bears at St. Louis Rams +7 - STL - Bears can not stop a thing. Neither can Rams, but don't see a blow out.

Houston Texans at Cleveland Browns -3 - CLE - Browns have hit their stride.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Detroit Lions +8 - DET - Are the Lions actually improving? Can Duante ruin the oh-fer Turkey Day game. I say yes.

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos -8½ - DEN - Sorry Raiders, Broncos want to beat you down.

Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks +3 - SEA - What happens when NFC East times travel out West? Usually it's a close one.

New York Giants at Arizona Cardinals +3 - NYG - Wow. I don't get this line again.

Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons -1 - CAR - CAR stomp all over that BC kid

Indianapolis Colts at San Diego Chargers -3 - IND - Somehow charges will keep it close but not cover.

Green Bay Packers at New Orleans Saints -2½ - GB - Just because.

Last Week: 8-7
Season: 67-40

Snow!!

It's football weather here in the D. Of course it doesn't matter since the Lions play in a warehouse (and are at Carolina today). I just wanted to tell you how much I hate Ford Field. Everyone in the area says 'Oh, It's such a great stadium.' No it's not. Football is supposed to be played outside. Period. If they can do it in GB and Chicago, both which have worse weather than the D, why not here? The answer is simple. The Ford's know that the current streak of non-sellouts (which has meant blackouts for 3 of the last 4 Lion home games), would have started a long time ago if fans had to sit outside. They built a roof cause the team STINKS and always will stink. A retractable roof would even suffice. I went to a game last year where it was 65 and sunny outside, yet I had to go INSIDE to watch the game. I was upset. The worst part was the little sliver of sunshine that broke through one of windows and shone onto the field to taunt me. I have never been so mad at sunshine.

My picks:

Lions (+14.5) @ Carolina
Lions will not win this game, but 14 points is too many, with Carolina looking to whoever they are playing next week.

Bears (+3.5) @ Packers
The battle for the NFC North lead will come down to a field goal. One way or the other, that's a cover for me.

Giants (-7) VS Ravens
The Giants are too good for the Ravens and their rookie QB. With all of the shittalk from ray lewis, the G-men will have no mercy.

Dolphins (-10.5) VS Raiders
Once again, the Raiders are very very bad.

Eagles (-9) @ Bungals
The Eagles really need this game and can't afford to overlook the Bungals. They only way the Bungals keep games close is if they are being overlooked.

Falcons (-7) VS Broncos
The Broncos have a very very bad defense. Micheal Turner will run wild.

Texans (+8.5) @ Colts
The Colts just aren't that good.

Saints (-6) @ Chiefs
The Saints can't be that bad, can they?

Vikings (+5.5) @ Bucs
The Vikings are playing well, and All Day might have taken the next step toward greatness last week after taking the team on his back for the winning score after his 4th down fumble. At least I hope so, since he is a keeper for me in fantasy.

Cards (-3) @ Seahawks
The seahawks are bad, the Cards are decent. If this was any team other than the Cards that were playing this well, the line would be at least 6.

49ers (-7) VS Rams
I hear Mike Singletary has a hairy ass. Respect.

Titans (-3) @ Jags
Still no believers in the Titans in gambling land. They are 8-1 ATS.

Steelers (-5) VS Chargers
The chargers just don't have it this year.

Redskins (+2) VS Cowboys
Tony Romo's wittle fingwer is better. I'm not convinced the Cowboys are.

Bills (-5) VS Browns
The Bills will be pumped for their first home MNF game in living memory.

Last Week- 11-3 (actually 2 weeks ago)
Season- 54-42-2

On a MastRo-"ll'

Wins pile up for me, losses for the Blue. Guess Martin et. al. looking a little silly. RR could be the worst coach we have ever had. Inability to adapt his schemes to our players, inability to coach less turnovers, and a bend and usually break defense. To blame Lloyd, is a disgrace. Anyway, back to the pros for a little happiness:

Detroit Lions at Carolina Panthers -14 - It's really tough to follow the Lions in SE Michigan. Really not sure what happened last week, but they did got killed at home. Though bad teams play better on the road, but Panthers are good. This is not close. CAR

Denver Broncos at Atlanta Falcons -6½ - Just have a feeling DEN going to keep this close. I think I could be very wrong, but DEN.

Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts -8 - Texans starting to lose steam. A young team gets bowled over a redugent Colts team. IND

Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins -10 - Sorry raiders. Phins have something to prove with the
Jets win over the Pats. The AFC East is anyone's game. MIA

Minnesota Vikings at Tampa Bay Buccaneers -4½ - Going with Buccs. TB

New Orleans Saints at Kansas City Chiefs +5½ - Going with upset here. KC been keeping close and both defenses are awful.

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers -3½ - GB. First nice cold game. Grant running better.

Philadelphia Eagles at Cincinnati Bengals +9 - Fitzpatrick has found his way, though Eagles D will disrupt big-time. Very tough to call this one, but PHI.

Baltimore Ravens at New York Giants -7 - Really? Only 7? NYG

St. Louis Rams at San Francisco 49ers -7 - SF. No S Jackson spells doom and Singletary has them believing.

Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks +3 - I see Cardinals flopping here. SEA

San Diego Chargers at Pittsburgh Steelers -5 - SD is not bad.

Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars +3 - Wow, another low line. I must be missing something. TEN.

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins +1½ - This is a toughy. DAL has pay-back in their mind.

Cleveland Browns at Buffalo Bills -5 - Come on BUF. Snap out of it.

No locks, but strong leans with the NYG and IND.

No Comprende

No Comprende

One thing I don't understand at all is how Mexican soccer telecasts do not have the score printed constantly on the screen during the game, yet display the team abbreviations, the half the game is in, and the minutes played along with the network symbol. I am currently watching Monterrey vs UNAM (United Nations of American Mexico). In the top left of my screen it says T (for Telemundo) MON PUM (I think UNAM nickname is Pumas) and below it says 1T (1st half) and the minutes played in the half. The score is 2-0 Monterrey but there is no way of knowing this from the screen. If you're reading this and you understand why the score is extraneous information, explain in the comments.
I should point out that I understand very little Spanish. What I do know I have mostly learned from playing and watching soccer with Spanish speakers. Mano = hand. Chievas=goats. Punta=pussy. Panday-ho=something really bad. The "bollocks" of Spanish. I suppose I should be listening to music as this is kind of like an illiterate person moving his eyes over the words in captions next to the photos in a nudie magazine. Or maybe I should just watch something in English, like football. Speaking of which...

Broncos +230 @ Falcons
Who needs running backs when you have a tightfaced coach?

Dolphins -10 vs. Raiders
I think the Raiders might suck this year.

Ravens +7 @ Giants
Ravens are a "hit-you-in-the-bitch" type team. Brandon Jacobs is going to show up in tight pants.

Texans + 8 @ Colts
What a fucking generic name "Texans" is. BOR-ING! Whoever named the Texans probably has a race horse named "Race Horse".

Titans -3 @ Jaguars
They have to win so that the Oh-Oh Thanksgiving game can happen.

Packers -3.5 vs Bears
Rivalry game. The Lions don't have a rival foe, just the rivalry between hatred and sadness inside every fan.

Eagles -9 @ Bengals
You might think these teams have nothing to do with each other, but one ends in "gles" and the other "gals". Natural rivalry.

Chiefs +200 vs Saints
When a line looks boring, take the moneyline!

Panthers -14 vs Lions
Finally, double digit losses! With this loss I will clinch my bet made before the start of the season that the Lions would win 6 games or fewer.

Vikings +175 @ Buccaneers
Vikings are like Buccaneers but more old school and more heterosexually challenged.

Cardinals -3 @ Seahawks
Beak-on-beak action

Steelers -5 vs Chargers
A good game to bet a lot of money on.

Redskins +1.5 vs Cowboys
Lots of Cowboys fans in DC. Why? They hate their fathers, who deserted their families.

Bills -5 vs Browns
Why are the Browns in prime time so often? Oh yeah, BQ's starting now...

MastroV Back on Game

A nice 9-4 week. High Lifers only 3-2 though. Time to broaden the number of picks in that s#$%^. Anyway, anyone know how to get a 1-800 number set-up? Time to post my picks for the public as we all know if we were to take this on our own dime, they would all be losers. Piece.

Went out on Limbs and Fell

Like the Brewers scraping the barrell for coaches, last week I went long and ended up only 6-8. Respectable, but not the MastroV experience one would expect. Brings year record to 50-29-0, which is still respecatble. And here's to the Lions for being blacked out and I get to watch the Pack at home.....

Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots -3½ - BUF - Got to keep riding them. Marshawn getting no respect and this is their year to put it on the Pats.

Tennessee Titans at Chicago Bears +3 - Hmm....Trappy game here. But TEN runs all over Chicago and Sexy-Rexy only looks sexy off the field, not throwing it. TEN

New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons -1½ - Falconies. Saints can't stop a baby carriage rolling up hill.

Seattle Seahawks at Miami Dolphins -7½ - Wow, this is one line I never would have expected at the start of the season. Parcells have them alive and poor seattle had maybe the longest flight capable in the continental US. MIA

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings -2½ - Go with the Pack. Their ATS when the dog has to be nearly perfect this year.

St. Louis Rams at New York Jets -9½ - Which rams will we see? My guess is the bad one, but I just can't pick EWRb. STL it is.

Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans -2½ - Texans home favorite against a decent BAL team that keeps surprising. I just don't see Houston winning. BAL

Jacksonville Jaguars at Detroit Lions +6 - JAX is very upset. JAX. Lock of the week.

Carolina Panthers at Oakland Raiders +9½ - OAK hasn't played well in a few weeks. Think they pick it up here just a little. Nah, that's stupid. They were shut-out last week. CAR it is.

Indianapolis Colts at Pittsburgh Steelers -3½ - Don't understand the line. PIT.

Kansas City Chiefs at San Diego Chargers -14½ - KC just isn't that bad. KC

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles -3 - Got to take the points, just have to. NYG

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals -9½ - Zona can blow them out, but Monday night Frank and gang will get pumped up by Singletary. SF.

That's what she said and it's on.

Jaguars (-6.5) at LIONS
Those Lions will take a much needed break from all this staying close in games business and will brace themselves for a big thumping at the hands of their crazy cat cousins.

Titans (-3) at BEARS
Hope. Progress. Change. Rex Grossman. Loss.

Bills (+3.5) at PATRIOTS
I'll take the team with the sweet grill having running back.

Saints (+1.5) at FALCONS
No Fucking Clue (NFC) game of the week

Rams (+9) at JETS
Because 9 is a big number

DOLPHINS (-7.5) vs Seahawks
Sea Men + Blow Holes = POWER SWALLOW

VIKINGS (-2.5) vs Packers
This is a tough one, like picking between ice fishing and snowmobiling on a nice 5 degree day. I'll take Vikings and hopefully Rogers will continue the tradition of crying all the way back to Green Bay after losing to the Vikings made famous by BF.

RAIDERS (+9.5) vs Panthers
Raiders have good chemistry and heart and loud nerdy fans

Chiefs (+14.5) at CHARGERS
Chargers too prone to big fuckups to take giving over 2 tds

STEELERS (-4) vs Colts
So easy.

EAGLES (-3) vs Giants
Get your watchin' pants on for this one.

TEXANS (-1.5) vs Ravens
Throw out the records for this game because each team should have been 0-0 when this game was supposed to have been played. Texans have Andre the Johnson.

CARDINALS (-9.5) vs 49ers
Cardinals give me hope.

HEMILection Special

HEMILection Special

Man, am I drunk. You heard about the "Redskins Rule"? From espn.com:

According to Steve Hirdt of the Elias Sports Bureau, who coined the term "Redskins Rule" in 2000, the following bromide has held true for the past 17 presidential elections: If the Redskins win their last home game prior to Election Day, the party that won the popular vote in the previous election wins the White House; if the Redskins lose, the party that lost the popular vote in the previous election wins.

Arnie and I, when we bet on the same outcome, always lose. So tomorrow, when Obama teabags the shit out of McCain, you can thank us for betting on the Redskins to win. So anyway, who here's cock's hard? This is my first season following It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Wonderful program. So I was watching the episode where they found a glory hole in their bathroom and decided the next day that I would be a glory hole for Halloween. I had no idea how I would do that, but held it in my mind until Halloween after work, when it was finally time to take action.
Step 1. Acquire cardboard.
Step 2. Acquire duct tape.
Step 3. Strap it on.
Result:


I brought a Sharpie out and the interaction was a great success! Did I stick my cock through the glory hole? No, but I had a pretend cock to put through.



I fucked up and forgot to get my picks in, but in place of that I give you predictions in the battleground states...

Democrats (-1250) @ Colorado
Xtreme sports bros will vote for Obama because everyone needs health care, even unemployed mountain climbers with bunk broken boooooones

Democrats (-400) @ Florida
thegreatschlep.com

Republicans (-303) @ Georgia
It's fucking Georgia for Christ sake, don't expect too much.

Republicans (-152) @ Indiana
I went to HS in Indiana and nothing would surprise or please me more than Indiana going blue, but it's so crazy sounding to me that I have to give this one to the reds.

Democrats (-152) @ Mizzou
Don't underestimate the importance of this. We're talking about 11 electoral votes here, and I see it going to Obama.

Republicans (-278) @ Montana
Take the 3 fucking electoral votes, DYING PARTY!

Democrats (-455) @ Ohio
Because the black people in Ohio will vote this time

Democrats (-227) @ North Carolina
Because of the strong Obama ground game

Democrats (-1250) @ Virginia
I called Virginians on Sunday. All who answered the phone were voting for Obama

No Time


No time to discuss my horrific performance from last week. Might have dropped me under .500 for the year. Anyway, no comments, no wit, here are the picks.

Vikings (-5) VS Texans

Bungals (+7) VS Jags

Bucs (-9.5) @ Chiefs

Browns (-2.5) VS Ravens

Bills (-5) VS Jets

Cards (-3) @ Rams

Lions (+12.5) @ Bears

Pack (+3.5) @ Titans

Dolphins (+4.5) @ Broncos

Falcons (-3) @ Raiders

Giants (-8.5) Vs Cowboys

Eagles (-7) @ Sea hawks

Pats (+6.5) @ Colts

Steelers (+2) @ Redskins

Suck It and Bet with the Mastro-V

Have only posted less than 50% of the time, but check out these records:

• Week 7 - 10-3-0
• Week 6 - 10-4-0
• Week 3 - 10-3-0

Throw in my High Lifers for those non-Hemi picks and I'm 44-21-0. So, time to provide the wisdom to make y'all some money (and me none of it, because doing it yourself invalidates everything).......(Going full length text, can't keep conservative...)

Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns - -2½ - Ouchie momma. Me no likely this one. AFC North-crap-er. Guess I'll go Browns.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Kansas City Chiefs - +9½ - Chiefs are bad, but they like to play well at home and this is a done. Awful Chief, I'm sure would agree.

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills - -5 - Bills keep rolling. Brett still is from the south and throws INTs away.

Arizona Cardinals at St. Louis Rams - +3 - Kurt Warner homecoming, Dick Vermeil ceremony, the whole fucking place going to be crying about something, which is also the level of play. Rams at home continue their winning ways.

Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears - -12½ - Lions bad yes, but now that Millen is gone you can see everyone trying a little bit harder. No one to blame this disastor on. Go Lioooooonssss!

Houston Texans at Minnesota Vikings - -5½ - Continue lack of respect for the Houstons of Texas.

Green Bay Packers at Tennessee Titans - -3½ - My heart just isn't in this one. In High Lifers I'll keep the pack, but for those that like money, I say stay away. That half point will be brutal. But Pack it is.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Cincinnati Bengals - +7½ - Bengals keep losing badly.

Miami Dolphins at Denver Broncos -4½ - Toughy. Broncos pull off miracle and win. But Miami is starting to believe...But never mind. Broncos roll.

Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants - -8½ - Boys in a funk, but come on. 8.5.

Philadelphia Eagles at Seattle Seahawks +6½ - Who do I hate more? Holmgren or Reid? I say Holmgren. Thrash them.

Atlanta Falcons at Oakland Raiders - +3 -Ok, got to run, quick picks. Atlanta

New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts -6½ - Pats

Pittsburgh Steelers at Washington Redskins -2 - Skins