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The sound is better than any piece of ass you'll ever have.

Friday, December 29, 2006

NFL Network Has Identity Crisis

You'll always be mine, NFL Network, and I'll always love you.

The NFL Network needs to study abroad, maybe at The Sorbonne in Paris, to "find" itself.

En francais: Il faut que Le Reseau NFL voyager a l'etranger pour etudier, peut etre a La Sorbonne a Paris, pour "se-trouver".

I had a huge crush on Mireille in high school (pictured on the left) I'd love to teach her the international language: English.

Last night I flipped back and forth from two crappy football games: the holiday bowl on ESPN and the texas bowl on the NFL Network. That's right--the TEXAS BOWL on the NFL NETWORK. When did amateur hour start on the NFL Network? This just seems wrong to me. If you are foolish enough to think that there is enough NFL related programming to fill up 168 hours every week, when you only show one or two games, you should have to stick with it or let it die. Suppose ESPN U started showing high school games and BET started showing back-to-back episodes of Full House Monday through Friday. It would confuse the hell out of people. It's not "The Football Network", which would actually work, but would involve cooperation between the NFL and other entities like, gasp, the NCAA. The NBA network, as far as I know, does not show college games, and it will never need to. If the network looks like it is going to die, it can just start showing NBA games every day during the season.

The hubris of the NFL will never let the NFL Network die. They will continue to give it organ transplants from bodies of different species until it is a grotesque monster that cannot be controlled. The monster will return to kill its maker. From Europe.

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"Grand Rapids" Ford, Dead at 93.

"I was all like, did you say $200 a play for the Lions????"

If I end up getting married and having a child, a child that successfully graduates the third grade and becomes a fourth grader, I am going to recommend that the child chooses Gerald R. Ford to write the required president report on. When I was in fourth grade, I did not get to choose GRF. I was assigned the 13th president, Millard Fillmore.


Some shit that MF did:

-grew up in upstate New York, the only one of the four largest states (others are FL, TX, CA) to not have a good college football team. Syracuse is the best team in the entire state. Awful.
-apprenticed to a cloth dresser
-became president when Zachary Taylor, aka "old rough and ready", dropped dead
-appointed Daniel Webster to Secretary of State. There is a statue of Daniel Webster a couple blocks from my apartment.
-opposed Abe Lincoln during the civil war
-died at the age of 74


You're about to be dropped faster than a dress on prom night!*

-Born in NE, but grew up in Grand Rapids, MI. Grand Valley State University, where Lucille Taylor is the vice chair on the Board of Trustees, is located in Grand Rapids.
-Played football for the University of Michigan. Won two national championships, playing center and linebacker. Offered contract with the Detroit Lions but shrewdly turned it down.
-Became president without ever being listed as a prez or vp candidate in a presidential election. GRF should have had "25th" tatood on his left pec.
-Ford used the Garnet crystal, channeling its sexual energy by clenching it in his left fist .
-fought in WWII with the Navy.
-died at the age of 93

Winner: GRF. Best unelected president/vice president in US history. Wait, no, world history.

*Credit for this statement, or something sort of like it, goes to a Lansing area man who coached high school football in the mid-nineties.

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Thursday, December 28, 2006

Why Don't You Sit On My Lap, Bitch?

I don't purr for nobody no more, motherfucker.
I just wanted to thank John.

After seeing his commercial on TV I finally ordered the Six Pack Abs video. Although I've only been doing the video for a couple of weeks I feel much better about my abs and the definition is finally coming through. Following his advice I'm trying to run everyday and eat better.

The photo shown is a result of his video but with no change in my eating habits. I can only imagine how I'll look once I combine healthy eating with the ab workout.

I still gotta get those lower abs ripped so his DVD will be in my DVD player 24-7. Good lookin' out John!

Los Angeles, CA

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It's Indaface!

Ok, so last night the Knicks beat my Pistons in an extremely high scoring overtime game. Pretty embarrassing. It was a road game, however, and the Pistons had won four or five games in a row going into the game, were 7-2 in the last nine, and still held a two game lead over Cleveland and Chicago after the loss. The Central Division continues to be very strong with every team now over .500. The New York Syphilis have actually managed to win some games lately, moving them to second place in the dreadful Atlantic Division. At the time of the last report, New Jersey was in first place with a 11-14 record. They have dropped to third place behind the Genital Warts and the Syphilis. After an embarrassing outbreak, the Herpes have dropped to fourth. There continues to be no cure for the AIDS, even after a major transplant. The STDivision overall record has worsened since last report.

Atlantic Division (54-90)
1. Toronto
2. New York
3. New Jersey
4. Boston
5. Philadelphia

While there is no cure for the Atlantic Division, abstinence from competition is recommended.

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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Just a Minute. I've Got to Go Freshen Up...Over There by Your Seatless Toilet.

A 29 year old woman allegedly forged documents and assumed the identity of an Annapolis attorney, apparently for the sole purpose of having sex with an inmate at a Baltimore prison.

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Fantasy Soccer: Un-American and Un-Not Fun

My fantasy English Premier League team, the Wallbangers, has really started to turn it on. In gameweek 20 before the start of the Charleton Athletic/Fullham FC match in which I have Liam Rosenior going, I was ranked 8,799th worldwide for the week out of 1,147,200 teams. Not bad for a stupid American, huh? If Rosenior plays 60 minutes I will finish with at least 78 points as long as Fullham doesn't give up 2+ goals, which actually is pretty likely. My big transfer of the week was picking up Primus from Portsmouth, a defender who scored two goals yesterday. Ronaldo and Drogba continued their in-form play. Say what you want about Christiano Renaldo. He's better than your favorite player. Period! Ok, he's better than any other Premiership player. Ronaldinho = la meilleure.

My transfer for week 21 was dropping Carson for the cheapest keeper I could find, increasing my money in the bank to 3.0 units. I plan on dropping Rosenior and upgrading at defense, possibly with Carragher or Finnan.

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December 26th-30th:
the 17th, 19th, and 20th birthdays of the calender year

I'm making my lunch!

Christmas, like the years of the Lions being a mediocre football team, is a distant memory. I'm back strapped into the freedom factory straight from a 7AM flight from Southwest Florida International Airport. I'm not exactly sure of what to do with myself as I can't really remember what I was working on before I left. Few people are here today anyway and they appear to be doing very little work as well, or at least that's what I'm telling myself. All I know is that right now I may want to have sex more than any other time in my life and there is no chance of it happening.

With that warm fuzzy little ball of information out of the way, I want you to turn your attention to the two photos here. Both are characters from one of my favorite movies, (not my favorite movie) Wild at Heart. This may be the easiest David Lynch movie to follow, that I've seen at least, but it's still pretty disturbing and fun throughout. But remember how I wrote that the script in Road House is really just there to provide a forum for presenting the amazing lines and shirtless Swayze? Well, I hate to compare Road House to Wild at Heart, but watching it you get the feeling that everything started with the wonderful assortment of bizarre characters and the story was created to connect them. I know that the movie was based on the Barry Gifford (great fucking name!) book, so he would be the guy responsible. I really should read that book. Maybe I'll go to the library this week!

Ok, back to these two characters. The above photo is frm maybe my favorite 10 or so seconds in any movie. Cousin Dell (aka "jingle" Dell) is standing in front of a table with his hands jammed into what appears to be close to 100 sandwiches in the middle of the night, say 4AM. Behind him, his mother stands in curlers and asks in a calm yet concerned voice what he is doing. To this Dell responds by lifting his hands from the sandwiches, takes a tense breath while still facing forward, and explodes by pounding both fists onto the table and a quarter second after the pound yells out in a very startling way
"I'm making my lunch!"
Dell is played by Crispin Glover, who you may remember as Marty McFly in Back to the Future. This is Glover's only line in the movie. Here is what we know about Cousin Dell:
  • Obsessed with Christmas. At one point he is shown in a dirty Santa Claus costume led by police. Dell is shown writhing on the floor crying because it is July, the furthest month from Christmas.
  • Thinks that Aliens wearing black rubber gloves are trying to destroy the true spirit of Christmas. Dell is shown on the floor poking in the direction of a black rubber glove with a ruler or something.
  • Puts cockroaches down his underwear to crawl around on his anus. I can't remember why he does this...I better watch the movie immediately after work (Who wants to come over and watch it with me? Anybody? No? Ok then, I'll just light some candles and make it all special just for me).

Thank you Mr. Reindeer!

Mr. Reindeer is the leader of an organized crime group. He's played by William Morgan Shepherd. When someone has a "problem" that they would like to have Mr. Reindeer help solve, a silver dollar must be furnished by that someone to Mr. Reindeer's residence, along with the particulars. In one scene Mr Reindeer answers a phone call from someone with a couple problems while taking a crap. There is an attractive woman in the bathroom with him, as I remember. In fact, Mr. Reindeer is never shown without being flanked by one or more attractive women.

Mr Reindeer is a fabulous character, but it should be obvious to you why I have highlighted him along with "jingle" Dell--HO HO HO!. There are probably a dozen or so great characters in Wild at Heart I have not mentioned, so I haven't ruined it for you if you haven't seen it. If you would like to state your favorite scene in Wild at Heart, please do so in the comments section.

Fun Wild at Heart Fact:
Ever wonder how they got an actress to play Lula's mother that looks so much like Lula? She is Laura Dern's real life mother!

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Monday, December 25, 2006

Happy Sky Point Day!

The airlines have a dirty new trick, or at least it's new to me.

I woke up on Christmas eve at 8, finished packing, and hurried to Mt Vernon Square to catch the yellow line to Rontonimo Reagan National Airport to make my 10:30 flight. Boarding started around 10:05, as scheduled and we pulled away on time. Then, we sat.

We sat for about 10 minutes with no word from the captain, then he announced that the weather was such in Ft. Myers that we would not be able to land as there was a big backup. Huh? We hadn't even left and it was a 2.5 hour flight...wouldn't it be clear by then? Whatever, you can't get pissed off about the weather. What you can fucking get pissed off about is how they definitely knew about the weather situation when we were sitting in the terminal and still boarded us.

I wondered why they would do that to us for about an hour before figuring it out. By pulling away and then parking us, they still get credit for an on-time departure. How they are allowed to do this, I have no Idea. I can understand them not wanting to have a late departure on their permanent record, but fuck them for making us suffer. And fuck all of the parents who patronize their shithead kids by talking really loudly to them in public. And fuck the stewardess who didn't have time to bring me a fresh magazine that didn't have the sudoku already done. Maybe the reliability metrics of airlines should not include weather delays or forced cancellations.

Not a whole lot to complain about after getting down here.
-went to beach yesterday. water was very warm. we saw a sea horse flopping around that had been washed ashore.
-food has included tilapatia and beef tenderloin. lots of snacks and home made cookies too.
-got some very nice gifts, including my first ever ipod!
-played golf on Christmas before thunderstorm started.

My parents have an unhealthy obsession with the weather. They watch the weather channel for a half hour at at least five separate times of every day. At all times they know exactly what the weather is in Florida, Michigan, DC, and Seattle, where my brother and sister in-law live. Next 36 hours? Check. Dew point at each location? Check. I have learned to not get annoyed at this obsession or how they point out and make fun of the obese to themselves at every opportunity.

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Friday, December 22, 2006

Maria Bartiromo, I Want to Make Out With You.

I hear she likes to french
Every other Friday I get to stay home and not work. With today being one of those days, I am keeping my mind limber, drinking coffee, and watching a little CNBC. Several Summers ago I had a 20 hours per week internship. This left me with lots of time to sit on my ass and watch tv. At this point in my life I was a very active online stock trader. I used to go into every day looking to make moves with my modest balance. I made a lot of bad decisions and lost some money that Summer. I no longer trade actively, but I do sometimes enjoy watching CNBC, as I see myself eventually switch from investing in the professional athletics market to the stock market and want to stay up on the for-profit business world. The best part about watching CNBC is getting to see my favorite woman on television, Maria Bartiromo. She is everthing the girls that I end up dating are not: smart, beautiful, and elegant. She does outstanding work and looks great doing it. I would so love to meet her after the markets closed at a happy hour, talk about some surprises in the trading day, and just get lost in her eyes. I would then walk her back to her car or helicopter and make out with her.

Do you love the rich flavor of french press coffee but hate cleaning the sludge out? Not sure whether it's safe to just pour it down the sink?

Well, friend, here is a quick and easy way to get the job done:
1) Bring the coffee maker by the sink. Grab a strainer and place it in the sink. Take a sturdy paper towel and place it inside the strainer.

Now slowly pour the sludge into the strainer. You will probably have to fill it up with water a few times and repeat the pour to get all of the grounds out.

The entire clean up will take about three minutes, so don't hesitate making the f-press coffee you love because you dread cleaning afterwards.
That's all from here. I will be heading down to Florida on the 24th. Perhaps I will go to the Bennigan's en seul. Bon weekend!

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Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Isiah Riders

Atlantic Division (48-75)
1. New Jersey
2. Toronto
3. Boston
4. New York
5. Philadelphia

I have decided that it's time to start following the NBA this year. After checking the standings I was happy to see that my Pistons are in first place in the Central Division. I had sort of expected them to be in third or fourth, certainly behind Cleveland and Chicago. The worst record in the Central belongs to the Milwaukee Bucks at11-14, which really is pretty solid for a last place team. That record, however, is absolutely putrid for a first place team. The Nets in the Atlantic Division is like crabs in a list of STD's. You can at least get rid of crabs, so they are sort of the "best" in a list that includes genital warts (Toronto), herpes (Boston), syphilis (New York), and AIDS (Philadelphia). You can get a good look at the Knicks and 76'ers by sticking your head up the Atlantic Division's ass, but wouldn't you rather just take the first place New Jersey Nets' word for it?

CBS national columnist Mike Freeman has his first of three extremely long columns on NBA figures of note up on today, describing the current state of the Knicks and Isiah Thomas. Some excerpts:
First, Thomas. His tenure with the Knicks can be summed up in one word: belief.

Large chunks of prime real estate near the court, just behind the team benches, where Hollywood stars and jiggling breasts and gel-covered boy-toys once mingled, are painfully vacant.

The man being blamed for the Knicks' troubles is wearing a charcoal suit, pinkish starched shirt and a dapper tie. When it comes to clothes, Isiah Thomas is the anti-Bill Belichick; when it comes to personnel decisions, he is the anti-Bill Belichick.

But back to the Memphis game. After his glance at the dissatisfied fans, there is a smirk on the face of Thomas. It's a look that says: Bleep you.

The best way to describe Thomas is uber-survivor; if you dropped him out of an airplane at 60,000 feet, he would land with a smile and belly full of peanuts.

In effect Thomas has committed one of the cardinal sins in sports. He has created a team that is both bad and uninteresting.

Then, fans start chants. The loudest is "Fire Isiah!" But "Fire Thomas!" is also heard. So is "Fire Dolan!"

It is beyond ugly in New York. In an unseasonably warm New York winter, the roasting Thomas is receiving from everyone is unseasonably brutal.

If you are a Lions fan, I know what you are thinking: THE KNICKS ARE BECOMING THE LIONS! They have too much success in their history to be anywhere close to where the Lions are, but as far as the current state of each team is concerned, the similarity is undeniable.

Symptoms that your team has Hypolis:

Former Lions quarterback Eric Hipple: probably one of the best Lions qb's in my lifetime

-Incompetent owner
-Even more incompetent president/GM
-Poor draft choices
-Underperforming free agent acquisitions
-Transition from anger to embarrassment to apathy among fans
-Widespread Booing of team at home games
-"Fire [insert president/GM name here]!" signs at team venue or any public gathering in city
-Nonsensical but funny "Fire [insert owner name here]!" sign at team venue or any public gathering in city

Diagnosis for Knicks: early stages of Hypolis

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Try this fun little game.

How is the 7up guy able to do this?
"I can't tell you how I did it, but I'll leave you with this final thought...
Invest wisely...Spend on Yourself."
Asshole. Well, 7up boy or whatever the fuck your name is, I'm hear to Tell the World!

The difference value that you compute in the game is such that the sum of its digits, except for the 9's, is nine or zero.

For example, suppose the difference value is 4320. You can't circle 0 so you circle one of the others. Let it be 3. You enter 420 (duuuuuuude!) or some other combination of 4, 2, and 0. Shitface just counts up 4+2+0 = 6 and knows that the other one has to be a 3 for everything to add up to 9. Suppose the difference is 9000. You cannot circle 0 so you circle the 9 and report '000'. Homeslice knows that 9 is the only value that it could be.

Why is the sum of the digits in the difference, except for the 9's, always nine? The difference values are always multiples of nine, and the digits in multiples of nine, excluding the 9's, always sum to nine or zero.



abs(i-j) = (i-j) if i is greater than j, and = -(i-j) if i is less than j
max{a,b} = greater of a and b
min{a,b} = lesser of a and b
a(b) = a*b = a multiplied by b
[i,j] = max{10(i-1)+(j-1), 10(j-1) + (i-1)} - min{10(i-1)+(j-1), 10(j-1) + (i-1)}
_ab_ = 10(a) + b

Note that [(i+1),(j+1)] is the difference value computed when the switching around of the number _ij_ is done so that you just write it backwards. For example,
[5,2] = 41 - 14 = 27
[7,1] = 60 - 06 = 54
[4,5] = -(45 - 54) = 9

Part 1.
Proof that the difference values are all multiples of 9:
Start with two digit numbers.
Claim: [i,j] = 9*abs(i-j)

[i,j] can be reduced. Start from the definition above. It can be reduced to
[i,j] = max{10i+j, 10j+i} - 11 - (min{10i+j, 10j+i} - 11)
= max{10i+j, 10j+i} - min{10i+j, 10j+i}

[1,1] = max{0,0} - min{0,0} = 0 = 9*abs(1-1)
Assume [i,j] = 9*abs(i-j)
[(i+1),j] = max{10(i+1)+j, 10j+(i+1)} - min{10(i+1)+j, 10j+(i+1)}
= max{10i+j+10, 10j + i +1} - min{10i+j+10, 10j + i +1}

case 1: 10i+j+10 > 10j+i+1
[(i+1),j] = 10i + j + 10 - (10j + i +1) = 9i -9j + 9 = 9(i-j+1)

case 2: 10i+j+10 < 10 =" -(9i" style="font-weight: bold;">Note: This only works for two digit numbers. I am tiring of this shit, so I am not going to show how it extends to work for three or four digit numbers. With three and four digit numbers you have to show how it works with all permutations of the digits, not just when they get reversed in order. I could totally fucking do it though, you can bet your sweet ass on that.

Part 2.
Handwavey proof that the digits in all multiples of nine, excluding the 9's, add up to nine or zero:
Suppose y=9(x) holds. The last digit in y=9(x+1) is always one less than it is in y(x) and the next to last digit is always one more than it was in y(x), with the exception of when the last digit of y(x) is 0. In that case, only the last digit of y(x+1) changes, and it increases by 9. When all digits from the leading nonzero digit to the last digit are 9's, the next multiple has an 8 in the last place, a one in the zero place one ahead of where the leading 9 had been, and zeros in each place between the two. Note that this will always add to 9, since the only nonzero places will have an 8 and a 1.
Let x=0. y(0)=0, which holds.
y(x+1) =9 because y(x)=0.
Now let x=1, which was just shown to hold.
The only digit here is 9, so the last place becomes an 8 and the lead digit where the last zero had been becomes a 1 and everything inbetween becomes a 0. In this case there is nothing between them, so it is just 18. Of course 1+8=9, so this holds.
Now let x=2.
y(x+1) will have a decrease of 1 in the last place and an increase of one in the next place.
8 becomes 7 and 1 becomes 2.
y(x+1) = 27. 2+7 = 9, so this again holds.
When the last place in y(x) is not a zero, the sum of the digits from y(x) to y(x+1) remains the same, since one is being added to the second to last digit and one is being subtracted from the last digit.

Note: I may fix part 2 to be non-shitty. I likely will not explore finishing part 1.

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

How To Fix Iraq

We have a new Defense Department Secretary. His name is Robert Gates. Mr. Gates, If you're reading this I have some suggestions for you which are sure to improve things over there.

Peace plan 1:
  • Distribute massive amounts of pornography, marijuana, and Playstations to the young men of Iraq.
Send easy to read instructions on when and how to use them.
"Thirty minutes before you are planning on blowing up a bus full of women and children, use this magazine. Manipulate your Fontes while looking at the fold out picture of the naked lady until you run and shoot. If upon completion you still want to blow up the bus, smoke some marijuana. If after 15 minutes you still want to blow up the bus, start playing the Playstation game Twisted Metal. Every hour, hit 'pause', smoke more marijuana, and eat some food. Then continue your game. Remasterbate as needed."

Peace plan 2:
  • Send Matt Millen and Isiah Thomas to Iraq to head up the two main franchises, the Sunnis and the Shiites.
These guys will have the two teams so poorly prepared to fight or blow stuff up that it will seem like there's a real cease-fire. After a while the fans and players will turn their hatred toward the two leaders, but just like here they will never succeed in removing them from power.

Peace plan 3:
  • Send the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train through Baghdad.
It's fucking hot over there. Really dusty too. That silver bullet train in the commercial seems to really cool things off...literally! It may go against the faith to drink Coors Light, but really, the stuff's basically just water anyway.

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Jason Basedow

I realize that I have posted several photos of shirtless men to this site and few if any of women. I like girls a lot. I like them so much that I have opened up the cologne ads in magazines and rubbed the smelly paper on my neck before going out in hopes that maybe smelling nice will improve my chances of getting taken home. This application has to be done carefully or you can end up with a nasty paper cut on your neck that would be hard to explain. You might be wondering, "Hey man, why don't you just buy a bottle of cologne?"
1) I have never in my life owned a bottle of cologne. Isn't it a bit late to start?
2) I wouldn't know what to buy. So many delicious flavors out there.
3) From what I hear, the bottles are expensive. Magazine "samples" are free and there are usually 3-5 different flavors per issue, so you either have several doses or you can combine them all and make one big bad cologne cocktail.

While scantily clad women are great to look at, they are usually nowhere as amusing as, say, photos of Patrick Swayze in training to kick and punch the shit out of drunk troublemakers. I give you, from the FMS success story page, Jason. Jason and his fraternity brothers clearly like to work hard and party harder. I'm sure their hard work has landed them a gaggle of hot girls in bikinis or other types of tight swimwear, such as what Jason is wearing in the group photo. I'm sure they're all in the front of the boat talking to each other about how lucky they are to be on a boat with such handsome studs.

It's finally friends have started calling me "Jason Basedow". It started with questions from friends when they would notice the signed inspirational photo of you I have in my living room. Then I always explain the story of how much your videos, and then you personally, did for me. I started telling the story of how I was an FMS Star Of The Month on your website and now that my friends are seeing the similarities between our health and fitness levels I guess the nickname isn't far off!

These are some pictures from my recent trip to Lake Shasta with my fraternity Theta Chi. It's like a downhill rolling snowball - the more benefits I see and feel, the more motivated I get to stick with FMS!

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Monday, December 18, 2006

You Wanna Dance, Motherfucker?

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I Wanna Gentrify you, Baby

Urban Outfitters and Zipcars
Poetry readings and Martini bars
Luxury lofts with Modern amenities
Sit on my granite countertop sans panties

Starbucks and Cosi
Laptop dancing to the Wi-fi
Sipping lattes with overcaffeinated hotties.
You look all minority and drug infested
Boarded up abandoned body
Homeless people sleeping in your crevices.
Hangin' around with the tall boys and mad dogs well into your 40's
Say hello to hipster neighbors and goodbye to your homies.
Get off the stage dancing in the nude
I'll get you a nice job at the Whole Foods.

I wanna gentrify you
Pump, pump, pump you full of money
Clean up your back alleys
Brighten and whiten you up honey

Don't go to the nightclub with gunshots and thrown punches
We'll wake up early and go to Farmers Markets and Sunday brunches
Turn off your hip-hop and get in touch with my emo.
I'm going to overhaul your kitchen
Hit you on the floor with my hardwood
You turn on my Stainless Steel Appliance
All the young professionals will want to flock
When I put on a condo and penetrate your block
Put out that Newport and light up a Parliament
I'm going to lower your crime and drive up your rent.

Your filthy urban ass needs a renewal

I wanna gentrify you
Pump, pump, pump you full of money
Clean up your back alleys
Brighten and whiten you up honey

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Sunday, December 17, 2006

Indecent Proposal

You're the only one for my Fontes.

Are you having trouble deciding on the best way to tell that special lioness that you want to spend the rest of your life losing with her? A customized Lions jersey is the perfect vehicle for delivering the message. The low price of $250 will leave you hundreds more dollars to get the ring, assuming that big 6 team parlay comes through.

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Friday, December 15, 2006

Unchiefly Chafing

WARNING: The posting today may be a bit disturbing for some readers. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of reading about an injury to my genitals, just skip this one. I don't exactly know why I decided to write about this. I guess it's probably because I'm fully recovered. I guess I'm also doing a public service by warning of the dangers of running without the proper undergarments.

Ok, you're still here. To make things easier for all of us, I am going to be using a couple names and a football move in place of some words:
Fontes = penis
Mornhinweg = urethra
fumble/fumbling = blood/bleeding

(I am not implying that you should somehow associate these names with specific individuals, who may or may not want to be associated with bloody genetalia. Lots of people have those names. If for some reason you want to think of first names when you read these surnames, I don't know why you would choose one name over another.)

"Hello, thank you for calling the nurse helpline. My name is Betty, how may I help you today?"
"Uh, hi. I just got back from a run, and was about to shower when I realized that I was fumbling from my Fontes. I'm hoping that you can help me figure out what I should do."
"Are you currently fumbling from your Fontes?"
"Yeah, it started sometime during the run. I felt some discomfort on my Fontes, but didn't realize that I had been fumbling. The inside of my shorts are covered in fumble. The fumbling has slowed down since I first noticed it, but it hasn't completely stopped. It looks like it's coming from my Mornhinweg."
"Ok, do you have a medical condition that you are aware of that causes this fumbling to occur from your Mornhinweg?"
"No, it must somehow be related to the cold weather. I was running in shorts and it's in the 20's out and it's really windy. I'm not a doctor, but I think it somehow must be from frostbite to the head of my Fontes. During the run I could really feel the cold down on my Fontes and was concerned that there might be some frostbite."
"Hmm...I'm not sure how the cold weather could cause fumbling out of your Mornhinweg. I'm going to put you on hold while I consult with some other nurses. If by chance we get disconnected, I will call you back at this number."

"Hello, Sir?"
"Yes, hi."
"Have you urinated since the fumbling has started from your Mornhinweg?"
"No. I've been worried about whether or not it would be ok to do that or not. I'm guessing it's going to hurt pretty bad."
"Do you think you can try to urinate right now?"
"Uh, ok. Hold on, I'm going to put the phone down."

"Ok hi, yeah I was able to urinate."
"Was there some fumble in the urine?
"Actually no, but there was quite a bit of pain."
"Can you describe where the pain is coming from?"
"It's mostly at the very front of the head of my Fontes. The shaft area of my Fontes doesn't hurt at all and it didn't really hurt inside at all. Just at the Mornhinweg opening on the head of my Fontes."

Nurse Betty was unable to diagnose the problem and give me instructions for what to do next. She urged me to call my doctor as soon as possible.

I was pretty freaked out. I really wanted to be able to use my Fontes again. I wondered if somehow the end of my Fontes had gotten so cold that it froze and the running motion had caused a tear at the end of the Mornhinweg. I hoped that there wouldn't be any kind of serious infection that would cause me to lose my Fontes. I used some hospital strength iodine disinfectant cleaner to make sure everything was ok, and put some vaseline on the tip of my Fontes.

By the end of the day, the fumbling had stopped and urinating no longer was painful. A day later I discovered that I never had actually been fumbling from my Mornhinweg. None of it had come from inside of the Fontes at all. I realized that I had just experienced really bad chafing on the outside of my Mornhinweg orifice.

Right before I went running I had put in two large loads of laundry. I like to run in briefs rather than boxers to keep all the parts together, and all of the pairs were in the wash. Being the dumbass that I am, I decided that I would just wear the shorts without underwear, as they had a lining in them. During the run, my Fontes, without being held down by underwear, bobbed all around inside my shorts. It was probably for the best that it was cold and few people were out walking around where I was, for they would have been either really excited or disgusted by me if they had my midsection in their line of vision with all of the Fontes shaking going on. It was really starting to hurt the last few miles, and the cold just made it more excruciating.

Today is a week after the run. Everything is back to normal, thank goodness. It had been really strange having scabs on the head of my Fontes, but they're gone and there is no evidence that anything ever happened down there.

The obvious lesson here is that if you don't want to fumble from your Fontes, don't go running.

Bon weekend!

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Thursday, December 14, 2006

Office Party Time 2006 Part 1

Monday and Tuesday were rare back-to-back no drinking days for me. A single day off is a pretty big deal, but two in the's like a Colts losing streak. Both days my stomach was bothering me quite a bit. Yesterday the streak came to an end in a big way, at work. The first of two Christmas parties was yesterday afternoon. They hold these things in the basement of the building in conference rooms so the noise doesn't bother non-partying workers. You can get a permission pass to bring alcohol to holiday and retirement parties and the like.

Most of the parties don't really have much structure to them other than some sort of retirement or happy holidays crappy speech and lots of eating of finger foods. Yesterday the organizer decided that it would be fun to have a family feud game between the divisions in the office. Through office emails it was decided that the captain of the team would be the team member with the least amount of service, who happened to be me. I initially protested. They fired back:
Okay, here's how I think we should do it.

1) Make paper slips with every team member's name.
2) Put the slips into a hat.
3) Keep drawing slips until Will's name is chosen.

I'm not sure if we should draw *with* or *without* replacement -
Eugene, do you want to weigh in here?
hahaha! assholes! My response:
If you think I won't be drinking at the party, you are mistaken. I'll be the Captain Hazelwood of the ECD ship.

Everyone was fine with that, and we ended up kicking the other team's ass, taking home a trophy reminiscent of the one held up by Borat's sister for being the #4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.

After the game, most people started filing out of the room. I was not one of them. This was when the real party always gets started. The real drinkers gathered at one end of the conference table and began working on the beer and wine left over from the party. There was a group of maybe eight of us yesterday. Some great shit gets said by coworkers when drunk, without fail. Highlights from yesterday:

"Why won't that old bitch just retire?"
"Yeah, when Dwight sent that email that just said SHE'S BACK!, I was like 'OH FUCK!' ."
"I know, I mean I feel kind of bad and like I don't wish her dead or anything, and it's good she is out of the hospital finally, but I was so praying that she would decide to stop working."

"Next year, you put me in charge of the Christmas party, and I'll guarantee strippers. Women strippers for the guys in one room and dude strippers in another room for the women and Tom. hahaha!"
"Man, I'm telling you, if you want the real strip clubs, man, you gotta go to Maryland. No bullshit no lapdance shit up there. Whoo!"

"Y'all know where you can arrange for a professional male? I got my sister in town next week and she be wanting to get with one a them."
"How old is she?"
"She kinda looks like Halle Barre."

The party today starts soon. I will recap it tomorrow.

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006


This is of course none other than Fitness Celebrity John Basedow. Every week I will give you a john-ism from the fitness made simple site. Even though the photo above of Fitness Celebrity John Basedow is making you all moist, try to focus on Fitness Celebrity John Basedow's message. If you need more Fitness Celebrity John Basedow, go to the link will get the results you are looking for (lots of pictures of Fitness Celebrity John Basedow and inspirational stories from individuals who are not fitness celebrities who have been inspired by Fitness Celebrity John Basedow).
Don't be an energy vacuum...sucking the joy from people. Negative people can clear a room quicker than a fart.

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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Did you mean: roadhouse swayze shirtless
Your search - road house swayze shirtless - did not match any documents.

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I realized that "road house swayze shirtless" was redundant and trimmed it down to "road house swayze" to find the above photo. I recently finished watching Road House, which is part of the free movies in the Comcast On Demand library right now. If you have never seen it, here's some info:
- Key actors: Patrick Swayze (see above), Sam Elliott (the stranger in Big Lebowski), and Ben Gazzara (Jackie Treehorn in Big Lebowski and lots of other great movies).
- Patrick Swayze (see above) is not all that fond of wearing shirts when kicking or punching.
- The whole thing seems to be centered around some amazing lines. The movie is just the vehicle to deliver them.
Here are some that I will never forget:

"prepare to die."
"you are such an asshole."

"what if he calls me a cock sucker? shouldn't I kick his ass for that?"
"no. it's two nouns put together to elicit a prescribed response."

"i used to fuck guys like you in prison."

"you want to fight, dickless?"
"well, i sure ain't gonna show you my dick."

"do you all pay him?"
"does a hobby horse have a wooden dick?"

"you ever see a pair of hand tubes like these? i'll tell you what: for twenty bucks you can kiss 'em. (guy gropes them) say, buddy, you gonna kiss 'em or not?"
"i ain't got twenty bucks."

"do you ever win a fight?"
"nobody (pause) ever wins a fight."

"i see you've found my trophy room, dalton. the only thing missing is your ass."

"pain don't hurt."

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Sunday, December 10, 2006

Logan Circle Jerk

"Excuse me."
"Did you used to swim or do crew for GW?"
"Uh, no."
"Because you look just like someone I used to sculpt."
"Uhhhh, no, never did that."
"You have the perfect frame. How tall are you?"
"Uh, about 6'2" "
"6'2"--perfect. So what do you do here? Do you live here? What do you do?"
"Umm. I, yeah, I live right there. I work in town."
"But what do you do to get your body like that?"
"Uhhh...I um, play soccer. And I run too."
"So how about you come up to my place real quick and I take some measurements, and then you can make some good money?"
"You can make some good money by just standing there. You'll make an easy $25/hr."
"Yeah, I don't think I really want to you know, do that."
"Oh, but it's so easy and you have the perfect frame. You just stand there in you know, biker shorts or something--nothing crazy or anything. Plus you get good money, man. I just need to take your measurements first. It will only take like 10 minutes. My place is right over there across the street."
"I'm sorry, I just can't do that right now. I've got to get home."
"Oh but just come up to my place and let me at least give you my card."
"You have a card on you?"
"No, it's just up in my place across the street."
"I'm sorry. I just can't do that. I just don't have time."

This was, of course, a male, and of the creepy variety. This was not the first time that this guy has tried to get me to "model for him". One other time he stopped me while he was riding by on a bike and tried the same shit. Both times I was close to interested. I like easy money, but this was just too weird, even for me. The last time he asked if I wanted to do nude modeling for $50/hr. No biker short bullshit. That time he didn't speculate on how I kept myself in game shape. He just said that I look like a guy he used to draw at GW.


My fantasy team is getting fucking worked. Ron Mexico, you suck. And your friend Cal, who lives in the basement apartment in the building next to me who is apparently a manager at the club Love, is a fake baller. He has a nice tv, but that bar that he's so famous for? All stolen shit from Love...not impressed, dawg. The one week I REALLY needed a big week from you, you and your coach decided to hand the ball off all game. You're dead to me. In fact, I'm done bitching about you. I'm going to show you how much I don't like you.

If you need me, I'll be across the street, making $25/hr in my biker shorts.

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Friday, December 08, 2006

Vocab Quiz

Name the word associated with the following definition:

to poke between the buttocks with an upward thrust

(Answer: goose. Congratulations to Grape Smuggler.)


Jingle in the Jungle

Elephant reproduction and feces information table

Last night I attended "Jingle in the Jungle" at the National Zoo. Some quick facts about the event:
- all you can eat finger foods
- all you can drink beer and wine
- setting: elephant and hippo house of the national zoo.
- ticket cost: $50
- smelled like big animal poop
- rest room house was a shuttle bus away (or 1 minute walk) from the elephant house
- it was fucking freezing here last night. it snowed.
- put on by an organization named "Young Professionals". This name makes me want to barf.
- animals were all out of reach of the young professionals.

I arrived at JIJ around 6:15 or so with my friend Sarah, who overheard some girls at the door say something like
Girl A: "Ew, it smelles like poo in here."
Girl B: "Yeah, I'm not sure how long I can take this."

These girls apparently weren't aware that they were in a zoo or didn't realize that elephants and hippos, unlike hot girls, do have to shit sometimes. Poop smells like shit.

The finger foods:
-cabot cheese
-some vegetable sushi rolls
-ginger bread men cookies
-some round ginger bread cookies with some filling and powdered sugar sprinkled on top
-saki oyster shooters (no pizza shooters unfortunately)
-nacho chips and salsa
-hummous and pita

Some of the beers:
Singha, Singha Light, Harpoon, Magic Hat, Rock Bottom Brewery beer on tap. When everything was gone they put 12 cans of Budweiser on the beer table. This pleased us greatly. At least one member of my group stuffed a can in his coat right before we left to drink in the shuttle bus.

I had not been to the zoo since moving to DC. I guess it takes an "all you can ____" event to get me motivated sometimes. Maybe someday the Young Professionals will put on an all-you-can-grope event in a strip club or all-you-can-snort event at a police seizure room.

I of course left uncomfortably full and adequately intoxicated. Those round cookies were delightful. I must have had six or seven of them. The melange of food in my stomach was pretty volatile. It's tough to hold it together when you're full of beer, oyster shooters, cookies, and sushi. Somehow I kept it down, probably because I'm a fucking souljah.

The real soldier of the night was my friend G. At one point, Sarah, G, and I were about to head outside to the restroom area. G didn't make it. He spotted one of the hottest girls in the place that he had met at some point before and started chatting her up. About an hour after getting back from the bathroom G was still at it with the girl. I was ready to piss again and he was still maintaining. Finally, the girl left, and he made his move to the rest room. I was moved by his performance for a couple reasons:

1) The place was crawling with girls and there were plenty of dumpy to average looking girls that were were drunk and ready to talk to any dude that would give them the time of day. I know this.
"Hey, you! You have to talk to us or pay a toll! Tell us where you're from!"
- crazy drunk young professional girl from Minnesota who later groped me on her way out

G didn't settle for this garbage. He didn't wait for his ship to come in. He sailed out to sea in search of something greater. Something real. Something attractive. He took the opening he had, having made her acquaintance, and made the most of it.

2) The man played through pain. Like an aging NFL starter with a hotshot rookie breathing down his neck, G wasn't about to leave the game. Although he REALLY had to piss, he knew that the minute he left some other dude was going to step right in and try to be all charming and shit. Like Rex Grossman resisting the temptation of throwing a short dump off pass to a wide open running back, G told his thinly stretched bladder to go fuck itself. It's game time.

G ended up getting this girl's number and laying the foundation for going out with her with sexy results. That man belongs on the horse trailor!

The animals at this event were large and fun to look at. The elephants were of the Indian variety, which tend to be smaller than their African counterparts. There were three elephants, aged 58, 30, and 5. Fact: elephants can live to be 50-70 years old. The five year old was male, as was easy to tell from the fifth leg. Later in the evening the elephants were eating bamboo. The five year old had a bamboo shoot by his trunk and was jamming it between his legs. I asked a girl next to me what he was doing.
"Having a good time."
The elephant was pleasuring himself with a piece of bamboo. The fifth leg was no longer hanging down. The little guy's mother was standing right next to him.

There were a few varieties of hippos. The pygmies were about the size of a pig, and the big one was fucking enormous--probably the size of Gilbert Brown. They seemed to like being submerged in water and when not submerged in water, eating. They were some hungry hungry hippos. HAAAAHAAAAHAHA!
For some reason they had the skull of the father of the largest hippo on display right next to him. I hope this was more comforting to the hippo than it would be for a human.

Before we left, I wanted to get a picture of the table with information about elephant reproduction. It was pretty awesome. Sarah (not sober) grabbed a vial with milky white liquid in it and started laughing hysterically. This brought an employee over to the table.
sarah: "Is this elephant semen?"
expert: "It's simulated elephant semen."
sarah: "What's that?"
me: "It's pretend elephant semen."
They had a device on the table that was used to artificially inseminate an elephant. It had a really long tube. Elephant birth canals are quite accomodating it seemed. There was for some reason a gigantic elephant turd on the table. It was donated by the 30 year old elephant and had a clear coat of something over it to preserve it. Sarah picked it up and smelled it, which was delightful to watch. She reacted in horror to the smell.
expert: "Still needs another coat."
She then picked it up and handed it to her boyfriend John.
sarah: "It's poop!" or some such shit.
expert to sarah: "it's so funny that you find that so funny!"

Geez, yeah, I guess there is nothing remotely amusing about a large laquered turd on a display table also containing simulated elephant semen and a semen deliverer.

Needless to say, this event was definitely worth $50. Money well spent. Bon weekend!

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Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Eddie Griffin Has A Good Lawyer

"Eddie, what have you done for me lately Eddie?"

Thanks to Deadspin for posting an Eddie Griffin Update. One of the first ever posts to this here blog was devoted to NBA player arrests. Eddie has pled guilty to "inattentive driving" and will pay a $375 fine. It's unfortunate that he crashed his Escalade before he had time to "get into an accident".

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This is of course none other than Fitness Celebrity John Basedow. Every week I will give you a john-ism from the fitness made simple site. Even though the photo above of Fitness Celebrity John Basedow is making you all moist, try to focus on Fitness Celebrity John Basedow's message. If you need more Fitness Celebrity John Basedow, go to the link will get the results you are looking for (lots of pictures of Fitness Celebrity John Basedow and inspirational stories from individuals who are not fitness celebrities who have been inspired by Fitness Celebrity John Basedow).
Don't tell me what I should do until you show me what you can do.

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Michigan is Ranked #1 in Coaches' BFF Poll
The best friend forever (BFF) of each of the 119 Division 1-A head coaches have spoken and made the Rose Boll the de facto national championship game. Note: Frank Beamer and Ralph Friedgen are each other's BFF. If they were French, they could totally get away with using "tu" instead of "vous" without being offensive. Yes, they're really that close!

The images are distorted slightly so that you don't lose your John Basedow induced erection.

1. Michigan
2. USC
3. Ohio State
4. Texas
5. Florida
6. Georgia
7. Wisconsin
8. Boise State
9. Georgia Tech
10. LSU
11. Rutgers
12. Nebraska
13. Tennessee
14. California
15. Auburn
16. Yale
17. Army
18. Notre Dame
19. Miami (FL)
20. Wake Forest
21. Hawaii
22. Penn State
23. SMU
24. Western Carolina
25. Vanderbilt

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Monday, December 04, 2006

The Pissy Posting You Knew Was Coming

This fine piece is titled "Rose Sad". Artist comments:
I coloured this in on the computer when i was bored, pleased i did because the pencil one doesn't look as good! The person in it, I have called Rose, and she's a sad vampire!
No BCS championship. No rematch on neutral field. Instead, we get to play another team that is not at all pleased to be in the Rose Bowl. Not a happy guy here. I think it's pretty fucked up how Florida's last two games, so-so performances in my opinion, moved them from way back to climb to number two. But hey, Florida is a good football team and decent arguments can be made for either Michigan or Florida, so I'm not surprised at this outcome...someone was going to get fucked and it just happened to be Michigan.

I finally realized how fraudulent the Division 1-A college football championship is this weekend. It is the only sport that I can think of where there is competition beyond the regular season without some type of playoff system. But hey, why would anyone want a playoff when you could have coaches decide who the best team is. Really, who is more qualified than the Wyoming coach or the Iowa State coach at picking the best 25 teams? They are the perfect group for determining the best teams. They don't do anything but watch college football games, well, other than constantly recruiting, and the whole preparing for next opponents thing. There certainly wouldn't be a conflict of interest, would there, when a team financially benefits from conference representation in bowls? No way! Maybe it's time for yet another poll, where the voters are the parents of the starting quarterbacks or one made up of just the players. How about one made up of just black sports writers or white NFL wide receivers or scratch golfers or exotic dancers or registered sex offenders?

There is really only one ranking system that is legitimate. It's a ranking system that most college football fans are keenly aware of. It's a ranking system that has to be set correctly or it could lead to its own ruin. I'm of course referring to the lines set by sportsbooks. Their ranking system focuses on single matches instead of trying to come up with an ordered list of the best teams. Who really gives a shit about the #18 team in the country? Fans of that team may, but they likely think that they are really better than #18. "Dude, we're totally better than the #16 team--we should definitely be #15!" If your team is ranked #18, maybe you shouldn't really be thinking about your team as being associated with the best teams in the country at all. Instead, maybe think of your team as being third best in your conference. If your team lost three games, nobody outside of your conference gives a flying fuck about you.

Bowl games were never intended to be used to determine the national champion. They were set up to promote tourism by drawing sod busting Midwesterners from extremely cold areas out to places where they could warm up for a bit. Boxing matches are the only other sporting events I can think of that are set up to just make money. Sometimes a boxing match will be for one of the 17 or so world titles, but mostly they are just for luring in people who like to watch other people punch and get punched back.

So what should we do, Mr. McGamble, you ask? I want some kind of a playoff. I don't care how many teams, but eight makes the most sense to me, with the seedings set by Vegas. If there is still enough interest for bowl games like the Mieneke Kar Kare Klassik, fine (fun fact: Wali Lundy was the MVP of the 2002 Meineke Car Care Bowl).

I find these games to be pretty pathetic, but hey, if it makes you a few bucks then go for it. It's something to watch, I guess. I'm just done paying any attention to the rank of a team listed next to the school name on the scoreboard in the corner of the television screen.

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Friday, December 01, 2006

How I Am Going To Get Rich Right Quick

Yesterday I signed up for a flexible spending account (FSA), which allows you to purchase certain health-related products and services with money that has not been taxed. The main reason I did this was for dental and vision related expenses. There are several other great uses for this money, as I discovered, such as birth control products. You may think that you are about to read about how this is totally sweet because I have so much sex that condoms are a real drain on my budget, but you would be wrong. I smell a business opportunity to make money from people who do have sex often and on random nights with random partners.
Some facts about condoms:
- they are expensive
- some people are ebarassed to buy them
- sometimes you don't have them when you really need them
Here's the basic idea:
If you think you might ever be in a situation where it is inconvenient for you to procure condoms, you register at the company website as a sexually active Washingtonian. Registration could cost maybe $10/year. Maybe free...not sure about that. After registering, you will be given a phone number that you can send a text message to giving the location of the imminent sexual encounter. Also, you can select your preferred brand of condom. Upon receipt of the text message, a courier will rush to your location in DC and discretely get the prophylactic(s) to you to use. It would be far more expensive to use this service than to purchase them ahead of time, but the advantages would be that you
- don't look like a guy who just has a condom on his person at all times
- have it available for emergencies.

I remember back in High School one time I could have totally gone all the way with this really cute girl in the back of my pickup truck that was parked in a random parking lot on a cold Monday night in December (i had a cap on the bed of the truck), but I didn't have a condom so it just didn't happen that night. I think I stayed a virgin for almost another entire year. Of course I didn't have a cell phone back then, but there must be high school boys out there that I can help avoid the frustration that I went through.

Condoms would be purchased with FSA money. You may be thinking that this is one of the dumbest things you've ever read and that I need to start getting back to my bread and butter, which is writing about crimes against nature and the lions being shitty. Well, I have news for you, pally: I'm going to write about whatever the hell I want to write about, including ideas that sound dumber and dumber after each word that I type.

Ok, I'm done writing about that terrible idea. One last thing before I sign off for the week:
This will be a win-win. If USC wins, they win a little bit of cash. If they lose, Michigan will likely play in the national championship game. The hard luck gambler you know may not give a shit about Michigan, but I sure do.
Bon Weekend!

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