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Friday, December 28, 2007

Game of the Year: Showdown at Lambo

For fans of many NFL teams, the week 17 game is completely meaningless. Drew Sharpish stand alone shit sentence in 3-2-1...

Nothing to see here.

Whew, glad that's out of the way. For those who feel that witnessing what is sure to be a terrible game in which a possible outcome is a team going undefeated for an entire season is very important to their lives, the game on Saturday night will be televised like it's a presidential debate. Will I watch this game? Probably, but I already have seen the Patriots at their best. There is nothing particularly intriguing to me about a game with two teams that are already in the playoffs.

A regular season game with preseason-like intensity.

That was fun. Just look at that sentence. So alone, vulnerable, yet so strong. So bold. It's like it's in bold, italics, all-caps, and underlined all at once, but like, is not. Don't you feel like you need to pick up your jock strap off the monitor?

Anyway, fuck that game. The main reason why the NFL is great is that it's fun to bet on, but that cannot be said about this week. Nobody knows who's going to be playing and for how long. There's really only one game of great importance this week, and it only matters to the hapless bunch that comprises the Detroit Lions fan base. Lions Nation, baby. This Sunday at 1PM the Lions play the Green Bay Packers at Lambo field. What, you ask, could possibly be intriguing about this game?

1. The last season the Lions won a game at Lambo Field was 1991. That, buddy, is a long time ago. There are thousands of teenage mothers in the USA who were not even born by 1991. That means that their children would have to ask their grandparents what it was like when the Lions won that game. Do you think Brett Favre remembers that game? No, he does not, and it's not because he's an old senile bastard who also happens to be ruggedly handsome and is attractive to women who are young enough to be in the teen mom segment mentioned earlier. If Brett Favre farted in a pickup truck with a woman sitting on the front seat next to him, that woman may yell at him, but she would also get a little turned on. Anyway, the reason Brett Favre doesn't remember that loss in 1991 is because it was so long ago that he wasn't even on the Packers yet. This game means nothing to the Packers, but the silver fox's streak is still alive, so you can bet your ass that he'll start this game. The Lions need to not only beat the Packers at Lambo, but do it before Favre retires so that it can be said that in his career, Brett Favre lost to the Lions at home. Why? Just because, that's why. It's embarrassing supporting such a shit team that can't win a game in fucking Wisconsin at least once in every five tries.

2. An 8-8 season would be a tremendous accomplishment for the Detroit Lions. In the age of parity, most NFL franchises have experienced both highs and lows in the past ten years. The Lions, on the other hand, have won seven games this year for the first time in the Matt Millen era, which began in 2000. To get to eight wins would complete our long transition back to the mediocrity that Lions fans enjoyed in the years before the dark cloud with the big mustache came to the state with Great Lakes and great times. Forget about the collapse from the 6-2 start. Just imagine that it's whatever the fuck month the NFL draft is. You're fired up. Coming off a non-losing season, it's not completely insane to hope for the playoffs in the upcoming year. That sounds pretty damn good to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with a 7-9 season. It's a big improvement. But man, 8-8 sounds pretty sweet.

Before the start of the season, I had this game circled - not because I thought it was a "big game", but because I thought it was as sure loss. Finishing off the season with a win at Green Bay would be a perfect way to mark the Lions' return to mediocrity, and the start of a new era of disappointing their fans in new ways.

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Die, Chief of Information, Die!

My asshole motherfucking employer seems to have stopped me from accessing my personal email. Like, whatever. I don't even need gmail chat. I have myself, and my imagination. Imagination: the cornerstone of human endeavor. It's more powerful than an NFL linebacker. Probably less powerful than a Siberian tiger though.

Me: Damn, it's quiet here today.
Me: Oh, hey. Yeah, Sucks to be at work, but what the hell would I be doing instead?
Me: Good point. It's supposed to be in the upper 40's and rainy and it's not like I'm missing a football game. Shit, maybe I will be, better check...FUCK. Spartans start at 5PM.
Me: Have to get something down on that one.
Me: HAVE TO. But damn, betting on the Spartans would be foolish.
Me: Well, they beat a pretty decent Penn State team and almost beat Michigan. And BC is in the acc.
Me: But they're the Spartans! The Spartans are almost exactly like the Lions.
Me: You know how you were going to follow your 10 commandments of NFL betting?
Me: Uh, yes asshole.
Me: Just pointing out that you broke pretty much every commandment, multiple times.
Me: I guess I'm going to gambling hell when I die.
Me: Definitely. It's probably like, you constantly login to your account just too late to get your bet in before the game starts. Poof, off the board.
Me: No shit. Then the only game left to bet on is the Blue/Gray game or the McDonalds high school allstar basketball game.
Me: Yuck. I hate that shit. Brings out the scum of the earth. Dick Vitale, Mel Kiper Jr and others.
Me: Mel Kiper Sr should have pushed harder for abortion.
Me: Man, that's a bit harsh. Ouch.
Me: Probably. Oh well. I'm already going to sports gambling hell. Maybe if I'm a big enough asshole I'll get to go to regular hell instead.
Me: Say hi to Sean Taylor down there.
Me: You're coming too, pal.
Me: You know I didn't mean that.
Me: This conversation is making me uncomfortable, let's change the subject.
Me: Ok. Hey, remember that time when you didn't masturbate?
Me: Yeah. Sort of. I think the coffee's ready, and you need to take yourself to the owners box.
Me: That can wait - I'm trying to beat Bono's record. Good call on the coffee though. BIAS (back in a sec)
Me: Good coffee, Marv.
Me: You're so easy to talk to. Whoa, jimminy. BIAS GGTAS
Me: Don't forget to get the paperwork done.
Me: How much do you think crapping plays a part in a wrestler's attempts to "make weight"?
Me: Are you kidding? It's got to be huge.
Me: I guess you're right. Just imagine: You're a wrestler, and you're about one kuhrick away from making weight. You're about to give up, you're crying, when about five minutes before weigh-in, you have to take a massive crap. That's got to be such a great feeling!
Me: No shit. Lot of MC's (miracle covers) thanks to last second BM's.
Me: You sure talk about crapping a lot.
Me: You sure think about crapping a lot.
Me: Oh, here's something I've wanted to talk about: You know down in Florida at Mom and Dad's, how we always seemed to be subjected to some sort of programming with a strong sexual message?
Me: YES! So uncomfortable. That sports talk radio station...
Me: Holy shit, that was the longest fucking commercial I've ever heard.
Me: What was the name of that place?
Me: I can't remember. All I remember is that they have an extensive selection of lubes and hot oils.
Me: "The home of the rabbit, and the Five Minute Miracle".
Me: << shudder >>
Me: What about their selection of adult toys and lingerie?
Me: And lingerie models!
Me: HA! I really wish I was at that place right now.
Me: As long as Mom and Dad aren't in there too.
Me: Was that really fucking necessary? What a sick fuck you are.
Me: Sorry.
Me: You're right though, that place sounded pretty amazing.
Me: That was pretty bad, but how about the Blue Collar Comedy guys that night?
Me: Oh man. Can't they just make funny jokes about being a redneck and not about how when you're married you almost never have sex with your spouse?
Me: Seriously.
Me: I mean, that would be like if you were a big racist, and your wish of going back in time to hear Hitler speak was granted, and you're there, in this room with other racists, Hitler's speaking to everyone, passionately, but about how German automobiles are superior to American cars. It's like, well yeah, nobody's disputing that, buddy.
Me: You're a fucking moron. Nice fucking choice for an analogy.
Me: You don't even know what that word means.
Me: x-(
Me: Hey, when do you think you'll realistically have your credit cards paid off?
Me: I try not to think about that. I like to just take it one bet at a time, you know. Make plays.
Me: Seriously. Consumer debt sucks, let's get on that shit.
Me: I hear ya. I'm just hoping to maybe cut it in half by this time next year.
Me: Holy shit, I think you just made a New Years resolution.
Me: Wow, I guess you're right. Why couldn't I have just wished for rock-hard abs?
Me: Time for more coffee. BIAS
Me: Remember when KSK posted the chat session about the snake in the office?
Me: Oh yeah
Me: This is, ahem, very similar to that.
Me: Yes, but you didn't remember that post until well after this was started. Besides, they do the same damn thing, whether they know it or not.
Me: Yeah, like that Led Zep post. Or the Chris Mortenson thing.
Me: Who gives a shit, anyways. Nobody reads this shit.
Me: On that note, I guess it's time to do some work.
Me: Keep it real.

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

What bloggers are saying about Michigan hiring Russell Crowe to be their head football coach

The sports world can't shut the fuck up about Michigan's blockbuster deal with Russell Crowe. Here are some recent posts by sports bloggers across the world.

Initial reports:
-A blogger with special sources breaks the story.
-Arnie "the beekeeper" Solomon, while not a wordsmith, has heart. He reported from the other side of the world, aka "under-down", backing up the initial report.

Follow up reports:
- A pun-laden piece summarizing the initial reports.
- A blogger summarizes the reports so far in the blogosphere.

- A deep-thinking blogger shares his thoughts on the hire and opens minds across the globe.
- Blogger processes facts of the hire and accuses the U of M of being really, really racist.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Hey University of Michigan: Your hiring of Russell Crowe for head fooball coach was really, really racist.

That Russell Crowe hiring sure was a racy move by the University of Michigan. Oh, did I say "racy"? Sorry. I meant racist.

Now that several days have passed since it became known that Russell Crowe would become the successor to Lloyd Carr, supporters of Michigan Football should have had time to realize one fact about the university: it is racist. And we're not just talking about a smidgen of racism. It's really, really racist. If The University of Michigan were a mammal, it would be a mammal infected with rabies, except instead of rabies it would be racism. And I don't know much, but I do know this: You don't want your university to be of the rabid-with-racism variety.

Russell Crowe is a white Australian. Hello!?!? What's up with that? You call that diversity? I'll bet his criminal ancestors were forced to move to Australia because they went around being intolerant towards people of other ethnicities. What's your next move, Bill Martin? Invading Poland?

Despite the availability of minority coaches with more experience, Russell Crowe was hired because he's white. Did the University of Michigan really think that there wouldn't be an uproar over them not even interviewing Denzel Washington? It's only common knowledge across the world that he's a great head coach. Just look what he did to the Titans. I remember, and so do you. Michigan must have been too busy hating black people to remember the Titans. And Bill Martin, you can just shut your face about Russell Crowe being a "Michigan man". You want a "Michigan man"? I'll give you a Michigan man. One man, three names, three syllables: James. Earl. Jones.

It's time for the university president, Mary-Joe Fernandez, to step up to the plate and hit this fastball of racism out of the park.

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Sunday, December 09, 2007

Thoughts on Michigan's hiring of Russell Crowe from someone who really knows what he is talking about

As a blogger, I by nature have valuable opinions that are really important and by sharing them in this forum, I am fulfilling my responsibility to the world to help it become more enlightened. More advanced. Reader, I hope that these priceless thoughts will provoke profound thoughts of your own, which will then be shared with the world through the medium of your choice. This post will hopefully start a fission-like process of thoughts and sharing that will make lesser people as good as we are. And now, without further ado, I give you some thoughts on the hiring of Russell Crowe to the position of head football coach by the University of Michigan. I have inserted bullets, to let you know that I'm not fucking around.

But first, some absolutely hilarious questions that I would ask Russell Crowe today at the press conference announcing his hiring:
  • Will the first few offensive plays of every game be scripted?
  • Have you selected a coaching staff, or should I say, your Crowenies?
Don't even try to tell me that you didn't LOL! OK, time to get serious...
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger is an Austrian actor who has gone on to coach the state of California. Russell Crowe is an Australian actor who is now the head coach of the University of Michigan football team. The difference between "Australia" and "Austria" is "AL", which stands for Alabama, a state that likes football. Or backwards, it stands for Los Angeles, where Hollywood is. In light of this, it is clear that Russell Crowe is more like Sylvester Croom than Eminem.
  • I say let bygones be bygones, but I think America deserves to know what crime(s) the Crowe ancestors were guilty of. What if it was arson? The last thing America needs is another arsonist family.
  • You know those Delaware uniforms? I think authors feel like Michigan does while watching Delaware, when they watch a movie that is an adaptation of their book. Russell Crowe, as an actor, will be able to confirm this.
  • Either Aussies are morons for not wearing pads or Americans are pussies for wearing them. We will soon find out which one it is.
  • There is a dearth of African-Americans in Australia. It is yet to be determined if Russell Crowe will be able to successfully recruit the black athlete and determine the position that he will be best suited for.
  • Remember the Sega CD game system that was supposed to be all cool, but then there were only like 10 games for it, including that Star Wars Chess game, and then Sega Saturn bettered it but then everyone ended up liking Playstation more? And you know how XML is supposed to be an improvement of HTML but now everyone is all about Flash? In my opinion, Bo Schembechler is HTML, Gary Moeller is Sega CD, Lloyd Carr is the Playstation, and Russell Crowe will become World of Warcraft.

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Saturday, December 08, 2007

Sportsblog Reports Carr-rowe Named Head Coach at Michigan

My sources in the UM Athletic Department have confirmed that Russell Crowe has signed a 5-year, $11.3 million contract to coach Michigan's football team. I've been told that the contract includes a $1.5 million buyout clause in the event that the South Sydney Rabbitohs National Rugby Club coaching position becomes available. Multiple UMAD sources report that Crowe promised Athletic Director Bill Martin that Michigan fans will be "entertained" by the play of the Wolverines during his tenure as head coach.
Sportsblog checkoutmyhemi was the first site to report this real, factual, not made up news story:

The Battleship, a writer for the unpopular weblog checkoutmyhemi, reports that the new acting head coach for the Wolverines is none other than Australia's Russell Crowe.

Russell Crowe has signed a five-year contract to coach the University of Michigan football team.

COMH was also the first to report reactions from "Under Down":

Im (sp) here on location, and the buzz is BIG! Every1 (sp) in Sidney is saying that Russel (sp) Crow (sp), national hearo (sp) and hollywood icon, will be taking the rains (sp) for the recently disposed (inane) Loyd (sp) Car (sp)! More later as detayles (sp) be come (?) available!

COMH is the leader in real, factual, not made up news about Michigan's football coach search.

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Breaking: The Crowe Has Landed in Michigan

Sports bloggers and members of the mainstream media previously reporting that Michigan has come to terms with a football coach from another school will have to eat some Crowe.

According to The multiple sources close to this site, the University of Michigan has found its lead man to play the part of "football coach".

The Battleship, a writer for the unpopular weblog checkoutmyhemi, reports that the new acting head coach for the Wolverines is none other than Australia's Russell Crowe.
Russell Crowe has signed a five-year contract to coach the University of Michigan football team.
According to The Battleship, Crowe is no stranger to the program.
Hollywood star and Lloyd Carr enthusiast Russell Crowe has signed a five-year contract to coach the University of Michigan football team.
On the phone, The Battleship was asked who told him this blockbuster news. "My sources within the Michigan Athletic Department are saying that", he responded.

Crowe, The Battleship reports, is also a co-owner of a rugby team and is now in Michigan.
Peter Holmes a Court, who co-owns the South Sydney Rabbitohs National Rugby Club with Crowe, told me this morning that Crowe boarded a transcontinental flight from Sydney to Detroit late Thursday outback time.
The Battleship is also reporting that the hiring will be announced at a press conference on Monday.
a press conference to announce coach Crowe's hiring will take place on Monday.
Another writer for checkoutmyhemi and former masturbater, Arnie "The beekeeper" Solomon, is also reporting that Michigan has come to terms with Crowe.
Russel Crow, national hearo and hollywood icon, will be taking the rains for the recently disposed Loyd Car
This was the first contact checkoutmyhemi has had with Arnie in several months.
you havent hurd from me much laytlee
It was decided that paychecks would no longer be issued to Arnie, and as management was hoping, he eventually stopped coming to the office. I just spoke to Arnie, who is currently in Australia.
I am reporting live from "Under Down"
"Top of the morning to ya!", he greeted me. Although Arnie is retarded and a bit of a loose cannon (he was once arrested for inserting his erect penis in a powered-on leaf blower at a Home Depot), his information is credible because the information has been independently verified by The Battleship.

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Hy their fokes!

Or as I shoud say... 'G'Day!' This is Arnie, B.S. and if you havent hurd from me much laytlee, its cuz I bin off bettering myself and taking control of my future! Thats right, I have gotten my degri in Jurnlism from THE ohio stayte universitY. I am reporting live from "Under Down" as the locals cal it, thats right, the 17th century equivalent of my alma mater's football team, Austrailila! Im here following my first big scoop, that is, who will be the newest football coach in the big 1o! Im here on location, and the buzz is BIG! Every1 in Sidney is saying that Russel Crow, national hearo and hollywood icon, will be taking the rains for the recently disposed Loyd Car! More later as detayles be come available!

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Can it be baseball season now, please?

This morning I found a text sent to me by a friend of mine. "
What do you think?"
"Uhhh, about what?", I thought. I figured there would be a fantasy football trade offer for me to review or something that an email would clarify.
No email from him. He done crazy.
Then a coworker walks up to the door of my 100 sqft windowless office. "So, what do you think?", he said with an excited, somewhat envious smile. Then it hit me. "Oh shit, did that deal get done?", I asked.

Twenty-four hours ago, baseball was about the last thing on my mind. When I would see front page stories on the Johan Santana speculation, I would want to clear the crap off my desk with one powerful outswing of my left arm. I don't care about whatever shitty little cute Winter meetings are going on. I get enough rampant speculation with the Michigan coaching job, thank you very much. And if I want more, I can always turn to the world's game to see what players Chelsea wants to bring in so they can become the most expensive, boring team in the history of Sports. I'd rather watch distance running on Versus than Chelsea. It's like they are managed by a corpse...

I was really tired last night from staying up watching MNF on - you guessed it! - Monday night, and I was happily watching the Red Wings destroy Montreal, so I didn't bother following the story that so many of mes amis were focused on. But this morning, when my coworker walked up to my door and asked me what I thought, I instantly became fired up about the upcoming Tigers season. Assuming that all players involved pass their physicals (on three: one, two, three, PHYSICAL!), and everyone is healthy at the start of the season, the Tigers would roll in with -

OF: Ordonez, Granderson (That's my grand dawg, out there!), Jaques Jones, and Marcus "the river" Thames
IF: Cabrera, Renteria, Polanco, Carlos Guillen, and Ivan "the decent" Rodriguez
SP: Verlander, Bonderman, Dontrelle, Robertson, and Kenny "Gutterballs" Rogers
RP: Zumaya, Rodney, Jones, Aurillio Lopez, ...

Well fuck my cock! That's a pretty good squad.

And thank goodness. Like a Shakespearean tragedy, we all know how the Lions season is going to end. The Michigan Football Wolverines are about to get fisted by that quarterback, Deebo, that they have down there in Gainesville, FL.

"What you got on my Heisman?"

Yeah, I know the Red Wings and the Pistons are damn good, but come now. Unlike in football (both the American and un-American varieties), the regular season does not matter in the NHL or the NBA. We fans of Michigan-based sports teams need something positive right now. Something to give us a nice warm fuzzy feeling - the sports news equivalent of getting a lap dance from a girl wearing a chinchilla fur thong - and this trade does just that.

Monday and Tuesday I decided to clean my desk here at the office. I sorted and filed some papers. I recycled others. Then I borrowed some Pledge from a coworker and put a nice shine up on the surface. Only my PC and components, coffee and water cups, and a couple neatly organized stacks of paper remain. With this news, I want to leave work, go to the nearest hobby/sports collectibles store, buy a roll of fake grass, some Detroit Tigers figurines, and make a miniature Comerica Park on my desk, complete with the General Motors fountain. I would then close my office door, which I normally only do when I'm exceedingly gassy, and spend the rest of the day playing with my pretend 2008 Detroit Tigers team.

Cabrera: "Hola, amigo!"
Ordonez: "Hola!"
Cabrera: "My name is Miguel. I am super excited to be here. I can hardly wait to hit some home runs and bases-clearing doubles for the loyal Tiger fans."
Ordonez: "Great to meet you, my name is Magglio. Hey, we're both from Venezuela, we both like hitting home runs and bases clearing doubles, and our first names both start with 'M'. I think we're going to get along just fine."
Cabrera: "I agree, Magglio! I wonder if the media will ever write a story about how we're both from Venezuela and are good hitters on the same team... perhaps they might even ask me if I look at you as a mentor, since I am a good young player from Venezuela and you are an experienced good player from Venezuela..."
Guillen: "Hey! What about me?"
Ordonez: "Hahaha!"
Cabrera: "HAAAHAA!"
Guillen: "ha ha ha!"

Then I would answer some emails and return to playing with the new team...

Granderson: "Oh, hello good sir!"
Willis: "Hi! I can't wait to begin playing baseball with you fine fellows!"
Granderson: "Oh my, you are so well spoken! What is your name, teammate?"
Willis: "As are you, pally! My name is Dontrelle. What, may I ask, is your name, friend?"
Granderson: "My name is Curtis. It's great to meet you Dontrelle. You know what the media here in Detroit - and around the whole country in fact - would just eat up like a fresh batch of snicker doodles?"
Willis: "What would that be, Curtis?"
Granderson: "If the two of us - the most likable young African-American players in the majors became best friends."
Willis: "I do believe you are right, Curtis. We will be on all of the commercials together. Our likability will overshadow the wacko African-American players on this team...cough, cough, Gary Sheffield, cough..."
Sheffield: "Hey, I heard that!"
Willis: "Hahaha!"
Sheffield: "Ha ha ha!"
Granderson: "hahaha!"

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