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Sunday, September 28, 2008

Well, finally got round to it. Gonna be a big day for Wisconsin-ites. Either very good or very bad. So in order for me to cheer for something regardless, here are the MastroV picks for Week 4. Thankfully no Lions as I would have picked them post-Millen. Though I do give the Lions a half a victory for that move. Lions 1/2 - 3 through 2008. Not bad....

(My listing has the favorite first.)

Buffalo 8 at St. Louis - STL - T Green gets concussed and Bulger to the rescue. Bills eke out with major games from Royal, Lee, and Lynch all key HFHaters

at Carolina 7 Atlanta - CAR - Carolina make Hawks, whoops Falcons, look like they wish they had hurricanes

at Cincinnati 3 1/2 Cleveland - CIN - Harvard Fitzpatrick still takes the Bungles to their first win. Ivy > MAC

at Dallas 11 Washington - WSH - Redskins always play Boys tough in Dallas, no reason why things change. Boys are good, but not this good. Let down after Packers game gonna happen

Denver 9 1/2 at Kansas City - KC - LJ gets some respec

at Jacksonville 7 Houston - JAC - Slaton still rolls all over Jags, but Houston is awful

at New Orleans 5 San Francisco - NO - Dunno, just because

at NY Jets 1 1/2 Arizona - NYJ - Rainy, Jets. Arizona long way from home

Philadelphia 3 at Chicago - CHI - Chicago somehow wins. Not sure how, but Orton finds his inner Griese. Big Ten > Big East

San Diego 7 1/2 at Oakland - SD - SD finally gets chance to roll up score again. They will crush the Raiders

at Tampa Bay 1 Green Bay - GB - Pack win, enough said

at Tennessee 3 Minnesota - TEN - Tennessee is much, much better than Vikings.

at Pittsburgh 5 1/2 Baltimore - BAL - Baltimore looking good, gonna be a close one
Time for more football! Things are finally lookin up a little bit here in this dark corner of the football world. As everybody knows, Matt Millen was fired this week, which is symbolically a good thing. Its like if you sent somebody down to the ol Motor City Casino with your $100 to play black jack who was a huge believer in hitting 17s. You probably cant do much worse if you replace that guy, but the fact you sent him down there in the first place is the crux of the problem. In other news, the U of M (its defense specifically), won a game in dramatic style on a beautiful fall afternoon. I remember when we actually could expect those things, but I guess its a little more fun when you fully expect to be trounced, and for about 55% of the game you ARE actually getting trounced. My prognostications for this week:

DEN @ KC (+9)
Wow what a great game to bet on, Cutler is dealing bigtime, the defense seems to be playing decent when it counts, is it just me or is it time to make a deposit and go bigtime on Denver? For this reason, Im taking KC.

CLE @ CIN (-3)
Cincinnati actually showed some signs of life last week against the Gians, the Browns are still aptly named. I will give this I-71 shootout to the Queen city.

HOU @ JAX (-7)
Is the roof fixed yet? No roof, no cover. Gosh this is easy.

ARZ @ NYJ (-1)
How is anybody making this team a favorite after it was exposed how bad they are last week? For those who may have designs on peeing their pants today, I predict you'll also have a bunch of Farve interceptions to celebrate as well.

SF @ NO (-4.5)
Ok I'll bet everybody thinks SF is pretty cool for beating the lions by all those points last week. This is a lock, they're still terrible.

ATL @ CAR (-6.5)
Dont really have a strong feeling on this one, but 6.5 seems a bit much.

MIN @ TN (-3)
Minnesota is not that bad of a team when they're in AP riding mode, so I predict a road cover here. Not only that TN's pass attack with Kerry Collins at the helm wont be able to exploit their defensive shoddyness in this department.

GB @ TB (-1.5)
After that horrid ground attack that TB showed last week, they better get it together. As much of a Greise fan as I am, he cant tote the load all by himself. I guess this is kind of my fault for keeping Earnest Graham.

BUF @ StL (+8)
Going BILListic!

SD @ OAK (-7.5)
Bet early bet often. Why the hell should any team really care about a coach anyway?

WAS @ DAL (-10.5)
Man that sure is a lot of points, but I guess I cant really bet on the Redskins, so whatcha gonna do?

PHL @ CHI (+3)
Probably gonna be a lousy game, good thing nobody in either city is into the NFL that much.

BAL @ PIT (-5)
Do you think they're gonna throw RayRay in the slammer the minute he cant play football any longer?

Have a good'un

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Quick Picks

I was planning on writing my post tomorrow morning before the games get started, but something has come up. I will definately post about tomorrows going ons sometime this week, but as a result I only have time for some quick picks. After last weeks performance, you would think I would spend some more time on these. Alas, no.

Broncos (-10) @ Chiefs
Home field is not enough for the Chiefs to keep this close.

Browns (-3.5) @ Bengals
The battle of Ohio goes to...Brady Quinn in a 2nd half comeback.

Jaguars (-7) VS Texans
I think that someone in Vegas must really be a Texans fan. They have no business being a single digit 'dog at Jacksonville.

Cardinals (+1) @ Jets
Brett Favre is an old man. He can't even remember the plays. Get him a Vicodin

Saints (-4) VS 49ers
Drew Brees is my fantasy QB. The 49ers are not as good as they looked vs. the Lions.

(-6.5) VS Falcons
The Falcons won't be able to run on the Panthers as well as they have been. Matt Ryan doesn't scare anyone.

Titans (-3) VS Vikings
Banged up AP + good Titans D= trouble for Minny.

Packers (+1) @ Bucs
Battle of the Bays goes to...the team not lead by Brian Greise

Bills (+8) @ Rams
The Rams are worse than the Lions. Horrifying.

Chargers (-7.5) @ Raiders
The Chargers need this game.

Redskins (-11) @ Dallas
11 is too many points for a decent team that is a rival.

Bears (+3) VS Eagles
This is only because Brian Westbrook is not healthy. If he plays I may switch it.

Steelers (-5) VS Ravens
The Steelers looked awful vs. Philly. I think they bounce back.

Last week: 5-10
Season 15-14-1

Friday, September 26, 2008

Celebrate a Lions bye week by getting drunk and not getting pissed at the Lions

Last Week
Arnie: 8-8 (.500 season) A fine result in the juiceless world of this stupid blog
Doc Blackstone: 6-10 (.533 season) A decent record for a rebuilding team like the post-'57 Lions
AC: 6-10 (.533 season) Crappy, but bet the farm on the Cowboys so not a bad week.
Battleship: 6-10 (.333) Not a C-worthy performance from this ship

This past Tuesday I finished illness treatment and decided last night was a good one to do some drinking, with my best drinking buddy - me! Thanks to USC and the good OSU, I had sports to watch. Football sports. And yes, I did get a bet down on it. My USC -24.5 wasn't looking so hot at halftime so I went back in and took them -14.5 in the second half. After about seven minutes they were up 14-0 in that second half and I was feeling confident, and really drunk. As I got drunker, things got more USC punted several times in a row, then gave up a TD after the USC-senor quarterback threw an INT. I was feeling bad, and really really drunk. But I was given hope after their kicker donged it off the upright! Then USC charged down and got the TD I needed to get that extra point and win. I woke up with a horrible hangover and fat pockets so I took the virtual fat pocket pants off and went back to sleep.

After last week's terrible selections, I am not feeling confident. I would almost go as far as calling it a crisis in confidence. Bernake and Paulson need to throw me some bailout money or cocaine to restore that confidence.

1 O'Clockers

Broncos (-10) at CHIEFS
"Too many chiefs, not enough indians" is a fun thing to say. 10 is a big number for a road team to cover, but Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall are the best at their positions in the NFL and I think they will put up 40 points. Which is good because their defense will probably give up 25.

BENGALS (-3.5) vs Browns
I hate this game. Nothing is more boring sounding than two Ohio teams playing each other. The thought of sitting down and watching two Ohio teams play each other is about as exciting-sounding as watching these twins make out. I'll take the Bengals because they looked less shitty last week.

Texans (+7) at JAGUARS
There is no way this is going to happen, and that's exactly why I like the Texans to cover.

Cardinals (+1.5) at JETS
These mascots both like flying, but only one has a beak. Advantage Cardinals.

SAINTS (-5.5) vs 49'ers
Here's some advice: Bet against the team that beat the Lions last week. It's not all that impressive of an accomplishment and that win is priced into this week's line.

PANTHERS (-6.5) vs Falcons
It's kind of silly that US sports teams like having animal mascots. Of the animal mascots, these are two of the coolest. I wanted to start a club when I was in 1st or 2nd grade called the Panthers, so I'll take them in this one.

TITANS (-3) vs Vikings
I hate this game.

Packers (+1) at BUCS
Trust me, Al Harris isn't that big of a loss.

4PM Games

Bills (-8) at RAMS
"Dad, what's life insurance?"
"'s what you have that makes everything ok for you kids if something happens."
"Oh. Do we have life insurance?"
"Ha! Yeah, I bet the farm on the Bills to cover at the Rams this week."

Chargers (-7.5) at RAIDERS super nice to the homeless. enough about that game.

Redskins (+11) at COWBOYS
The cowmen are the best team in football. The redskins are maybe the 10th best. I'll take the points and strap on my Dallas hating strap-on and fuck a mannequin that represents TO.


Eagles (-3) at BEARS
I think I'll bet on NFC East teams every time they play another conference the whole season.


Steelers (-5) at RAVENS
I'm not sure if I'll be able to find a mannequin to represent Joe Flacco. I better go easy on the one I use Sunday.

Amateur outlook:

I can't wait to watch Alabama at Georgia. Both are fantastic teams. I'll take the 6.5 Alabama is getting in what should be a very close game.

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Sunday, September 21, 2008

Greetings to one and all.
Its been a bit of rough weekend for the beekeeper on certain fronts. First of all, yesterday was a day of college football mormon style (save for the Diet Coke con caffeine), as I find myself under the weather and at the mercy of drugs that purport to 'make coughs more effective'. Marlboros will do that too, just an FYI there, Mucinex. This affliction, while it prevented me from partaking in any of the Dr.'s birthday ribaldry, did not stop me from correctly calling a number of amateur contests yesterday. So I figure I'll throw my hat in the ring here too:

KC @ (ATL -6.5)
Poor Matt Ryan. Im sure the past week has brought about something of a comeuppance for the rookie QB. Heralded as the best QB in the draft, he may have actually started to read some of his own clippings after an impressive performance against the Lions. Well, as I can attest, KC is a better football team. If Larry Johnson gets on the field, hes auditioning for a trade right now, so Id go with the Chefs in this one.

OAK @ BUF (-9.5)
Gosh thats a lot of points for a Buffalo Bills team to cover. But, I contend they will. My reasons are short, but (I believe) convincing:
-JaMarcus Russel- God only knows how he didnt end up in the Honululu blue. Great to know that we arent the only ones flying blind out there
-Dwight McFadden- Id feel better about this had the Dr not traded him, and a lot better if it wasnt to one of the E. Lansing products in our fantasy league (the Battleship specifically) who typically leave a lot of folks scratching their heads whenever they get the trading bug.
-And I also think Buffalo's got a pretty good young team. They may actually make the playoffs this decade.

HOU @ TN (-5)
I dont really see Houston covering until they fix the roof.

CIN @ NYG (-13)
Im gonna have to go with the Bengals on this one. Not because Cincinnati is any good or anything, but I just sort of see the Giants going through the motions on this one. Everybody seems to have forgotten that this is a team that only feels like playing about 50% of the time. Much like how everybody put themselves under the impression that Peyton Manning was a great clutch QB, or that Kwame Kilpatrick wasn't on the take. The Super Bowl is basically like a national 2 AM Jager shot.

AZ @ Wash. (-3)
Kind of a toughie here. Has anybody else noticed that Jon Kitna kind of took up the cross for the league somewhere along the line, leaving Kurt Warner to the same relative status of an Evangelical pastor in Berkeley? Anyhow, I like the Cardinals.

MIA @ NE (-12.5)
Boy was rivalry a favorite for a number of years for the gambling community. I dont think Id ever heard of a no moneyline NFL game prior to the matchup of these teams a couple of years ago. The reduction of this line to -12.5 does represent an evening of the fortunes for these teams to some extent, but mostly just the fact that Matt Cassel didnt show he wasnt a liablility last week (though the USA today that was dropped at my hotel room Morning claimed that he "shined" in that victory). Im probably thinking that the Patriots will cover here. I wouldnt put any real Vchips on it though.

TB @ CHI (-3)
God am I ever glad they arent showing this game in my region. I was a little nervous given the proximity of Chicago to Michigan. I predict its gonna be a real puntfest. As much as Im sure Brian Griese would like some revenge. Id advise any sensible sports gambler to not even bother yourself with that line, take the under 35.5, go rent a Kevin Costner movie as it will have more entertainment value and check back at 4 to see if you won anything. Since this is for prizes/undying respect among my colleagues, register my official vote as Tampa.

CAR @ MIN (-3)
Its only a matter of time before Gus Frerotte surfaces in any given NFL campaign. Its too bad you cant take an over/under on the week of his first start. Maybe they'd no action it with the likes of Tavis Smiley or whatever starting for the Vikings. Expect big carries from AP, who will be ridden mercilessly till his inevitable injury, getting a cover for the Vikings.

STL @ SEA (-9.5)
I commented to the chief earlier this week that it would be kind of nice to have a parlay with this game and the Lions/SF so you could really showcase the worst this league has to offer. On that note.....SEA.

DET @ SF (-4.5)
See above. SF.

NO @ DEN (-5.5)
Did you know that New Orleans is the only major city in the US below sea level? I'll bet you did!
That means, that by their standards, they're over a mile high when in Denver. Thats a long way up! Given the fact that they dont have Marques Colston to singlehandedly dominate this game, I dont see them covering. DEN.

PIT @ PHI (-3.5)
On Monday night, I could only hark back to a cool fall afternoon in my Junior (or Senior, who knows) year of college when I saw Donovan McNabb take it to a Michigan team that was probably a better team than the Syracuse squad for which he played. Ive had this guy on many fantasy teams since then, every time I hit that "draft player" button this game has been somewhere in my mind. Finally, after about a 4-5 year hiatus, he seems to have returned to his old form. I actually dont see a ton of points being scored in this one. And frankly, that half point looms rather large as I see it. Still, Im gonna go with the Eagles here.

JAX @ IND (-4.5)
A battle of two overrated teams. Thing is, I really just dont think Indy's that good. I know all the big names on thier offense, but nothing's happening, and with Bob Sanders going out, their defense has started to resemble the Lions. I'll take JAX for the road cover here.

CLE @ BAL (-2.5)
Cleveland's offense should be getting it going any time now. Right? I mean we have to savor the likes of Braylon Edwards from afar seeing as we will not be getting anymore NFL caliber wide receivers through here until further notice. So personally Id like to see that, if for nothing else to add some credence to my salty naysayer rantings about the direction U of M has taken. Flacco or not, I say the ghost of Cleveland past takes this cover.

DAL @ GB (+3)
To my memory, Aaron Rodgers played pretty well against the Cowboys last year. And that was in Dallas. So I think he could probably do it again at Lambeau. After that Monday night game, Id imagine that offense is still trying to catch its breath, so I'll take the Pack here.

NYJ @ SD (-8.5)
San Diego's had a tough time winning games. Not that their QB Philip Rivers hasnt been playing great. I expect that to end on Monday night, in another hardly watchable game. NYJ.

Well, enjoy the games. And use this information correctly.....

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Happy Birthday to me!!

As the Chief said, he and I share the same birthday. Unlike the Chief, I was able to partake of the alcoholic beverages to celebrate the start of my 33rd year. You will be happy to hear that I consumed alcohol with the fervor and foresight of a 22 year old. Bad decisions were made. I felt I owed it to the Chief to have double the number of drinks that I had planned to make up for his inability to imbibe. I did not receive any meat, however. I guess you win some and you lose some.

Since I am in a scholastic program with people as young as 23, I am constantly barraged by 'old man' comments. This is something that happens regularly throughout the year, but certainly sees an increase in frequency around my birthday. It never really bothers me, other than when I make pop culture references (ie Homey the Clown, Kathy Ireland, Spies Like Us, or Air Supply) and they look at me like I am suffering from Alzheimer's. These kids today, so busy with their facebooks. No knowledge of the struggles that we went through. Wearing condoms. Masturbating to porn on the VCR, or even in a magazine. Having to 'page' your drug dealer and wait for him to call back.

What do you mean 'Who am I?'

Well, those days are long since passed. No one has worn a condom in 10 years. The internet has been to masturbators what the wheel was to transportation, and cell phones have made the acquisition of drugs all the easier. Every once in a while I find myself reminiscing about the good old days. These kids will never understand.

On to the picks:

Chiefs (+6) @ Falcons

I know the Chiefs stink, but so do the Falcons. Atlanta has no business as a 6 point favorite against anyone.

Raiders (+9.5) @ Bills

I am pretty sure that Buffalo is going to win this game, but 9.5 is too many points for a Trent Edwards led team to be favored. The Raiders looked OK against the Chiefs, and you have to look out for a 'rally to save Lane Kiffin' run from them.

Titans (-4.5) VS Texans

If this game had been played last week, Tennessee would be favored by 7 at least. For whatever reason, Houston is getting some respect as a decent team. I think it is only because there has not been a large enough sample size of their shittiness.

Giants (-13) VS Bungles
Giants are decent, the Bengals are terrible.

Cardinals (+3) @ Redskins
I might have mentioned previously that I hate the Redskins. I hope they burn in hell. This may, however, be the game where the Cards show the kind of moxy that has long been a staple of their franchise.

Patriots (-12.5) VS Dolphins
This may be Chad Pennington's last game as an NFL starter. Gamblers everywhere are crying. Get in on the action while you still have a chance.

Bears (-3) VS Bucs
Both teams have no offense. Both teams have decent defenses. I think the Bears D is a little better than the Bucs, and the Bears O may be slightly less shitty than the Bucs, who will be without Joey Galloway.

Panthers (+3) @ Vikings
How a Gus Ferrotte led team is a favorite I will never understand. Especially against a team that is 2-0 and is getting their best offensive weapon back.

Seahawks (-9.5) VS Rams
I have nothing to say about this game so... Sarah Palin claimed that one of her big 'changes' when she gets to Washington will be to make the federal checkbook open to the public. Of course, Barack Obama pushed that bill through 2 years ago. Way to go Sarah.

49ers (-5) VS Lions
JT O'Sullivan and Mike Martz will finally get a chance to show Matt Millen what they could have done if there was any talent around them. This will be a bloodbath.

Broncos (-5.5) VS Saints
I was a little unsure as to which way to go in this game. I will take the Broncos at home in a shootout. The Saints D is terrible. The Broncos D is only very bad.

Steelers (+3) @ Eagles
The Steelers may be the best team in football. The Eagles played over their heads against a division rival on Monday night. Look for them to come back to earth.

Colts (-4.5) VS Jaguars
Ordinarily the Jags play the Colts pretty tough. This season, the Jags have no Oline and are in big, big trouble.

Ravens (-3) VS Browns
We want Brady. We want Brady.

Cowboys (-3) @ Packers
The Packers are better than anyone thought, but the Cowboys are just too good. GB has played 2 teams without a win, and has looked good. I think they are still not in the same class as Dallas.

Jets (+8.5) @ Chargers
Norv Turner. All that needs to be said.

Last Week-10-4-1
Season- 10-4-1

Inside the mind of a sports gambler

AFD face


37-13? At Eugene? This is complete garbage. What a fraud. This was not a bad bet, this is an act of deception. I watched This team kick serious ass this season and they come out against Boise State and lay down like a tired person on a bed. And of course Florida is getting the job done. Penn State did their work. I was about to take BYU as the third team in this stupid teaser but no - I was scared that they would fuck up because they don't think betting on football is cool at BYU. How stupid I am! Current score: BYU over Wyoming 41-0. The worst part of this is how much I LOVE Georgia to cover later. Damn shame I'm already fully committed at this point. If I want to fuck back and get in on the Jo-Ja, sweet Jo-Ja action, I'm going to have to make Another Fucking Deposit.

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Friday, September 19, 2008

Making Money One Unbelievably Lopsided Game at a Time

(Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

Those of you who didn't checkoutmyhemi before last weekend's slate of games missed out on some very profitable advice. Hopefully you at least wagered on USC to cover the spread. I suspect that the gentleman in the blue hat on the right side of the picture joined The Battleship's convoy to cash city and took USC -29.5 at +1200. Don't let my 4-10-1 record in the Sunday games fool you. There are very few sound investment opportunities out there and my job is to help you identify the best ones.

This week I'm going to continue to focus on amateurs. There are two lines out there that really appeal to me. The first is LSU -135 at Auburn. You can take the -2 at -115 if you like but I'll buy those two points for 13 cents on the dollar, particularly in a game like this. Both teams have strong defenses so I suspect very few points, particularly from Auburn, which managed to score 3 points against Mississippi State last week.

The other line that I like is under 50.5 points in the Georgia at Arizona State game. Georgia has a phenomenal defense while Arizona State is coming off a 20 point effort against UNLV. On the other side of the ball, Georgia struggled to score last week against an admittedly tough South Carolina defense. Georgia does have a pretty good offense but they also have a lot of inexperience on the offensive line which makes it difficult to sustain drives. I think they'll put up points but not without some hiccups.

It is still a little early in the season for me to feel comfortable prognositcating on NFL games. There are a few teams out there that we know are pretty bad (Detroit, St. Louis, Miami, Cincinnatti, Kansas City) and a few that are pretty good (Dallas, Pittsburgh) but overall I'm still not sure about a lot of teams. Is New England still good without Tom Brady? They are 2-0 and they beat the Jets on the road last week, but are the Jets any good? With such a small sample size of games to choose from I'm not really sure about these professional games yet but my picks are below anyway. And one game that I really do like is Carolina +3 against Minnesota. Carolina has Steve Smith returning, which should help Jake Delhomme tremendously. On the flip side, Gus Ferotte is now the Vikings QB. Gus Ferotte is not a very good quarterback, and he's really old. If you take my advice for any of the NFL games, make it this one. My other picks are:

Kansas City, Buffalo, Tennessee, NY Giants, Washington, Miami, Chicago, Carolina, St. Louis, San Francisco, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Baltimore, Dallas, NY Jets

How you like the meat flavor?


Dr Blackstones and I have some big things in common. We both went to the same school, he moved into my old room in a group house while area lawmen were there to see about a boy named me, we both like sports, women, drinking, and gambling. We share the same birthday, which was yesterday. Unlike the doctor, I'm not able to drink, so I was forced to turn 31 without the option of getting drunk enough to feel like a younger man. Being sober on your 30+th birthday is a sobering experience. But it wasn't so bad thanks to my friends and family knowing how much I like meat.

1) A San Franciscan named Joe sent me a delicious 3-pack of dry-cured pork from the famous Boccalone. I'm embarassed to say that there was period of many years in my life when I did not eat a single pork product other than sausages. Not going to go into the reasons today. The important thing is that I overcame my problem, and I have to thank the Battleship for helping bring me back to the good side. I hope sometime the Battleship writes about his love for bacon. It is inspiring. But that Boccalone dry-cured pork, I tell you h-what, is the most delicious meat snack I've ever had. There is something special about it, the whole super thin slicing you do, the holding it up to the sunlight in the window to admire its translucent nature...I couldn't stop thinking about the flavor for hours afterwards.

2) My friends John and this-site-author Dolores treated me to a birthday dinner consisting of my favorite burger in town, the "one-eye" at Stoney's, my one allowed beer per day, and some delicious desserts, which any sober alcoholic understands is a key finish to any dinner. Why is it called "one-eye"? It's got a nice fried egg on top of the cheese on top of the beef.

3) Ring, ring, ring, says Mr. Phone. "Buzz" says Mr. Phone's display. "UPS", says voice. "9" presses Mr Birthday Boyee. I put some pants and shirt on and hustle downstairs to find two large styraphoam boxes from Omaha Steaks. Just like last year, I was fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of a freezer full of fine steaks and related animal and complimentary products, and a knife set for good measure. Just to let me know how badass the order was. The knife set, like a dessert at the end of a sober alcoholic's dinner, is the end punctuation mark. "Period, motherfucker", it says. "Comma, you big asshole" or "semi-colon, bitch" doesn't have the same effect. So cheers to my brother and sister-in-law for knowing what makes me happy and keeps my innards busy.

Another thing Doc B and I have in comon is our picks record of 10-4-and 1 ATS after last week. That whining about my brokeness last week? Gone. Fat virtual pockets over here. Lots to invest with this week. We're settling into the meat of the NFL season, so grab a fork and take a bite of these juicy morcels.

Chiefs (+210) at Falcons, Raiders (+380) at Buffalo, Texans (+170) at Titans. Between one and three of these teams is going to win, I just know it! For record purposes, I like them all to cover.

Over 41.5 in Bengals at Giants. Bengals will put up at least 17 and the Giants could put up 40+ on the hapless Bengals defense.

Redskins (-3), Pats (-12.5), Bears (-3), Panthers (+3), Rams (+9.5), Lions (+4), Broncos (-5.5), Eagles (-3.5), Jags (+5.5), Browns (+2), Cowboys (-3), Jets (+8.5).
Why? Because it feels so good! Unghhh.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Last Week's Results

Things went pretty well for those of you who decided to use our advice on the gambling last week.

The Awful Chief- 10-4-1

Dr. Blackstones- 10-4-1

The Battleship- 4-10-1

While the Battleship's performance may have been less than exemplary, if you followed his advice on the OSU-USC teaser he recommend , you are undoubtedly engaging in activities like Uncle Scrooge above.

Good times all around. If Bill Simmons could pull off these kind of weeks, his idiot wife would not be posting her inane drivel on his site every week. This is not to be confused with the inane drivel that Simmons himself posts. It must really suck to have a job as a sportswriter and to have your wife beat you at picking NFL games 2 years in a row. This must especially sting for Mr. Simmons, since his wife has apparently suffered some kind of brain injury. She is incapable of a coherent, logical thought, as far as I can tell. Must have been all of the acid at her Phish shows. Maybe she didn't take it herself, but the thousands of hippie cumloads she swallowed were undoubtedly ripe with LSD.

There is one problem with The Battleship, however. He joined the contest, but failed to put anything up as a prize. Get with it Battleship, I want your booty.

Also, don't be surprised to hear from Arnie before this week is out. It will be nice for the Battleship to have a gambler with as poor of a track record as himself around. Even things out.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Challenge Joined

When I first heard that this blog was having an NFL Pick 'em contest for its guest contributors with the winner getting a Drew Stanton jersey, I immediately contacted to have them e-mail me a password reminder so that I could log-in and participate. Then Awful Chief informed me that simply leaving my picks in the comments section wasn't going to cut it and that I would have to write whole posts consisting of at least multiple paragraphs on a weekly basis in order to qualify. The Awful Chief drives a hard bargain.

The thing is, I really want that jersey. Stanton is the namesake of one of my fantasy football teams and as the Lions backup quarterback, he occupies what is traditionally one of the most glorified positions in all of Detroit sports. Unfortunately, with the exception of large pizzas and cigarettes, I rarely finish what I start so the chances of me keeping this up over the next 16 weeks are slim. This is probably just as well because I have absolutely no faith that Dr. Blackstones will follow through on his pledge to pony up a Stanton jersey.

"We Want Stanton" Team Logo in my Yahoo! Fantasy Football League

But enough with the dillying and the dallying. Here are my picks:

GB, KC, Tennessee, NO, Carolina, NYG, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Seattle, Miami, NYJ, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Dallas, Minnesota, Baltimore

You'll notice that I didn't bother to justify my picks or make any humorous comments about the matchups or my fellow bloggers' picks. I apologize to those of you disappointed by my brevity. Frankly, there is only one game that I'd be excited about gambling on this weekend and it involves amateurs.

Last I checked, the University of Southern California is favored by 11.5 points over The Ohio State University. Snatch lacquer on a cracker, that is one tasty line! The safe bet, of course, is to take USC -11.5 at home against TOSU playing without star running back Chris "Beanie" Wells. But half the fun of gambling is that it makes watching the games more exciting and after watching TOSU struggle last week against (just) Ohio University I'm almost certain that the cover will be safely in hand by halftime. Some sportsbooks, however, are offering +1200 odds on USC -29.5, which should remain compelling well into the 4th quarter.

I believe in diversifying risk, so my recommendation to those of you reading this in Las Vegas is to head down to your favorite sportsbook and place separate bets on both the straight cover and the 12/1 payday. If both come through, you'll have enough to buy your own Drew Stanton jersey and a game-used crutch to complete the ensemble. And if TOSU scores a late touchdown to reduce the final margin of victory to 28, at least you'll have broken even and had a great time watching the game.

Wow, that was multiple paragraphs, like, multiple times! Don't expect this kind of production out of me every week. If there was a fantasy blogging league I'd obviously have a little orange flag next to my name right now but the fantasy analysis on my player page would recommend keeping me on the bench in all but the deepest leagues.

Apparently I missed a couple of games for this week.

Minny (+2) VS Indy
Peyton Manning looked like a shell of his former self on Sunday night. I was delighted. Few sports moments in my life have been as pleasing as watching him lose the Heisman trophy to Charles Woodson. One of the worst sports moments in my life was watching him shit the bed against Nebraska that same year, giving Nebraska an undeserved share of the national title with Michigan. I hope his leg falls off.

Baltimore (+4.5) @ Houston
The only reason that I can see for Houston being such a favorite in this game is that people are banking on a 'feel good story' like the Saints post-Katrina. I hate feel good stories.


Whatchu got on my 40, homey?

I can barely take my own stench. There are men in helmets outside my apartment right now standing in and around two big holes. The men speak Spanish and have fun looking jackhammers and not fun looking shovels nearby them. There is piping around the dirt piles ready to go down in the holes and when connected to the piping in my building, water will resume flowing to my shower head when I want it to and then get a nice lather going on my greasy hair and malodorous crotch.

An hour ago I got a nice reminder of how much moving sucks when my boss dropped off a computer for me to use at home, even though I'm well enough to go to the office. She's concerned that I could get too tired at work but apparently not concerned about me carry desktop pc components up two flights of stairs. Maybe there's an unspoken message here.

Before that I got a nice workout walking to my neighborhood Whole Foods. Unlike the Doc's neighborhood, I don't have a wares peddling homeless fella in my neighborhood. Our homeless prefer to just ask directly for your money with nothing in return, except for the Street Sense guys.
"Buy Street Sense for one dollar. Help the homeless help themselves."
"No thanks, I just read it online."
On the same block on the corner sits a line of Hispanic guys sitting on crates waiting for a truck to pick them up and take them to a job site. They may be illegal, but in my book they're only guilty of wearing bad tee-shirts. Ever wonder where that Bon Jovi 1987 tour tee-shirt went after you threw it off while drunkenly running into the waves on the Jersey Shore? Cue the "solved" music from Unsolved Mysteries. Located a block away from my apartment. But these guys never ask for a cent.

If you're saying to yourself, "This is sounding a little racial.", rest assured that it's not the homeless or Hispanic that piss me off the most in my neighborhood, it's the Greenpeace assholes.
"You look like someone who cares about the environment!"
"Ha! Why is that?"
"Because everyone under the age of 95 has to care about the environment."
"Are you a member of Greenpeace?"
(attempts to convince me to become member)
"OK, great, good luck with that."
What a horrible existence. Had she been honest and said I look like I care about the environment because it was clear I had not showered, maybe I would have considered joining before purchasing plastic trash bags and petroleum based cleaning products at CVS.

If only there was a way to announce to all the neighborhood parasites how much I got taken to the cleaners in my NFL picks last week. Look at me Greenpeace asshole. I'm really dirty and poor looking. I do not have money to save the whales unless you can prevent Colts from being mauled by Bears - greatest threat to my ROI. The worst part is that even after I lost on that game, I was dumb enough to make another fucking deposit (AFD) and bet and lose on both of the Monday night games. So Doc, assuming you can be trusted to count correctly, that 6-7 is really 6-9. But since the challenge has just been presented, that 6-9 (duuuuude, 6-9!) is history. 0-0. Just like the Lions record at the high point of every season.

I accept your challenge. And let me up the ante, with this here bag of medical waste.

I kid. Don't worry, Greenpeace, I'll flush that down my toilet for the whales to play with. In honor of today being Friday, and the NFL bigness of him, I'm contributing the autographed photo of Tommy "tiny" Lister, aka Deebo at the top of this post. Just bought it on Ebay (note, no Sarah Palin ebay joke here. Doesn't mean I don't wish her to be thrown off that bridge to nowhere).

On to the sports..

Before we get to the main course, here's some red meat black and white pudding I want to throw at you:

Liverpool vs. Manchester United, 7:45AM Saturday - DRAW (3.05)

Cristiano Ronaldo, the moist-inducing Man U winger, is still out with injury. Without him they are a good side but haven't shown the ability to break down a decent opponent's defence with Carlos Tevez and the average looking Wayne Rooney up front. The addition of Demitar Berbatov should help, but it remains to be seen whether Fergie has the stones to go with a 4-3-3 in a big game like this. On the other side, Liverpool who are coming off a lackluster performance at Aston Villa in the most boring sporting event I have ever seen, of course ending 0-0. Thank goodness for the return of Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres. With them in the squad I think they should manage a 1-1 draw at Anfield. Or 2-2 or 0-0. You'll never gamble alone if you join me and go for the 2 to 1 payout on the draw.

Main course

Middle-Eastern American selections:

Raiders (+3.5) at CHIEFS
This matchup is a grand melange of quality running backs. The Raiders come with an overstuffed fatback quarterback while the Chiefs come with a not-so-fresh fish out of water in Damon Huard. I think. You'll find the Chiefs defense extremely tender.

BENGALS (-1) vs Titans
Just like the chili that the 'natti is famous for, the Bengals will make you shit your pants with all the offensive weapons. Like the flatulence you experience with this chili, you don't know whether the offense will be silent and/or deadly, but at home they should move the ball on Tennessee like a turd going down toilet bowl.

Colts (-2) at VIKINGS
The Colts, a longtime chef's special, were so bad that I wanted to send my large dish of them back to the kitchen. But I just ended up getting thrown to the rats out back in the alley. I'll take my chances and order them again before giving up on them for good.

REDSKINS (+1) vs Saints
The Redskins, like buttered red skin potatoes, are mouth watering as a home dog against a Saints team that is not to be trusted to win outside of the south. Oh wait, this is the south. Fuck it, they'll still win.

Packers (-3) at LIONS
If you order up the Lions you will end up on your knees hugging the toilet. Eyes watering not just from puking, but from feeling like a dope for having bet on them after getting destroyed by one of the worst teams in the NFL.

PANTHERS (-3) vs Bears
The Doc mistakenly had this game as in Chicago. In the ROI business a small mistake, like a small mistake operating on a human, can cost you bigtime. The Bears are not to be trusted in the south. They have too much fur to hold up in the fourth quarter. This is getting stupid.

Giants (-8.5) at RAMS
The Rams, Lions, and Dolphins should all be relegated to some other league and that league can send up their top three to take their place.

Bills (+5) at JAGUARS
The Sea-men are as bad as I thought they would be, but the Bills were still very impressive. I'll take them getting the points down in Jacksonville, which I refuse to even consider as an option because I'm too lazy to think about them and want to go shower. They wear teal. or aqua or some such shit.

Falcons (+7) at BUCCANEERS
Remember that show "Falcone" CBS was pushing during the NCAA tourney that one year? I do. And that's why you should believe me when I tell you that there is not a single team in the league Tampa should be a touchdown favorite against.

Western American and Premium Selections:

49'ers (+6.5) at SEAHAWKS
The Sea men are an awful, awful bunch. This is sure to be a bad football game, so I'll take the 49'ers just because 6.5 is a lot of points for one side to be getting in a shit on-shit-matchup.

CARDINALS (-6.5) vs Dolphins
Had Arizona not played so poorly on offense last week this would be a 10+ point spread featuring the only team in the NFC west with a win and the worst team in the league.

JETS (-1) vs Patriots
I don't trust Matt Cassell against a quality opponent. The Chiefs stink, yet the outcome of the Pats victory last week wasn't certain until about a minute left in the fourth quarter. Note: With Brady healthy, this would likely be Pats -9. In my short, terrible gambling history I have never seen one player have so much of an impact on a spread.

BRONCOS (-1) vs Chargers
Chargers are going to maybe win 8 games this year. My fantasy stud qb Jay Cutler was dominant against a good Oakland defense last week. Plus Denver gets Brandon Marshall back. It has the potential to be a decent game but Denver is better.

Steelers (-6.5) at BROWNS
No way in hell I'm losing betting on the Browns two weeks in a row.

Eagles (+6.5) at COWBOYS
This is the kind of game that's going to be good enough to just watch, but putting some green on the Eagles, like doing a bump of cocaine while driving a go-kart, will make it even better. Why eagles? Because every half-assed Redskins fan hates the Cowboys the most*.

TEXANS (-4.5) vs. Ravens
Texans will drill, drill, drill the Ravens with their Johnson. No way Joe Flacco starts out 2-0.

*I am not a Redskins fan, more of a sympathizer. Don't have to be a fan of the NFC East to hate the Cowboys.

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Tuesday, September 09, 2008


It has been quite awhile since I have contributed anything in this space. Several things have kept me from posting for the last year or whatever it has been. Chief among the reasons for my absence has been outright laziness. I enjoy partaking in what has been termed 'aggressive relaxation'. I'll be damned if I was going to let a little thing like writing for a blog get in the way of what little quality couch time I have.

My couch, a friend, a lover, and a confidant

But then I thought, 'if the Chief can take a long sabbatical, why not me?' And his so-so performance in the first week trying to pick games was the final straw. I felt it was time to throw my hat back in the ring. The Chief went a Berman-esque 6-7 last week. I thought we held ourselves to a higher standard here. A monkey throwing darts could pick the games as well. When you throw in the fact that his 'bet the farm' pick was the Colts on Sunday night, well let's just say that the hospital bills are not his only financial worry this week.

So in an effort to upgrade the caliber of this site, I am issuing a challenge to the Chief, and any other of the long missing contributors. NFL pickem challenge. Rest of the season, against the spread (Dear gamblers, this is to prevent the Chief from advising anyone to 'bet the farm' on a bet that pays 20 cents to the dollar). I offer as a prize, a brand new Drew Stanton jersey. He has never taken a snap in the NFL, automatically making him the best Lions quarterback of my lifetime. A sure collector's item.

You know you want it
First a quick Detroit report. There have been quite a few developments here in the D since I last addressed you. Our mayor has finally resigned after rampant corruption, cronyism, and hooker killing. Houses can be bought in NW Detroit for less than $500. JT, the local homeless guy who peddles his wares on my block is back on the drugs, and not nearly as nice to be around. Never has any good shit anymore, either. And just like the sun rises in the east, the Lions stink. They are terrible. I will have more on this in the future, but on to my picks...
Green Bay (-3) @ Detroit
Have I mentioned the Lions stink? They are god awful. The coaching staff is in complete denial. The GM is dumber than a sack full of hammers. The owner is a curse to the franchise and to the city of Detroit. As far as I can tell, his continued existence is only to further besmirch the Ford name as payback for Henry Ford's support of Hitler. The defense is the worst it has been in a long time. This is saying something considering it's the Lions. If you have a fantasy running back and he is playing the Lions...START HIM. I don't care if he is the goddam backup on his own team. He will get yards and probably score on the Lions. These are standing orders. Watching the Lions D last week was like watching a pack of retards try to catch a greased pig. Hilarious and sad at the same time.
Kansas City (-3.5) Vs Oakland
Uggh. Why did I start with this one? Who cares? From last weeks performance, clearly not the Raiders. KC is at home and the Raiders have no faith in Jamarcus Russell. Plus this is classic 'Damon Huard plays 3 games that get him owned in 65% of fantasy leagues' time. He will then proceed to shit the bed.
Tennessee (+1) @ Cincinnati
Cincinnati is the city that has elected George Bush twice. I was just there for a wedding last weekend. Everyone loved Sarah Palin. When asked if they really believed that creationism should be taught in school, they responded 'That's the way I was brought up.' They are in their 20's. It is a scary, scary place. Tennessee is going to win this one for Vince Young's mama.
New Orleans (-1) @ Washington
Washington is not a good team. They are a bad team. Washington fans are bad people. Anyone who half-heartedly converts to being a Redskins fan should be disowned by his real team. That is, unless his real team is the Lions. Then he should be forced to suffer that indignity forever.
Chicago (+3) Vs Carolina
Both teams had pretty impressive wins against heavily favored teams. Sorry, Chief. Chicago's defense looked pretty good, and I am still not convinced the Jake Delhomme has anything more than the occasional decent game left in him. I think it will be close, but I'll take the points.
Giants (-9) @ St. Louis
St. Louis might be worse than the Lions.
Buffalo (+5) @ Jacksonville
I think Jacksonville might have some real problems. Aside from the shooting, of course. Everyone's trendy pick to go to the Super Bowl may not make the playoffs. They may be able to fix things once the Oline gets a little healthy, but they are not this week. I also think Buffalo might be better than people think.
Tampa Bay (-7) VS ATL
This spread should be much higher. Atlanta is a very bad team. Don't be fooled by the fact they crushed the Lions. It will be a rude awakening for the Falcons when they play an NFL caliber team, even if Brian Greise is their QB.
San Fransisco (+6.5) @ Seattle
Hasselback is an old man with back problems. His receivers were all pumping gas two weeks ago. Maurice Morris is hurt, leaving Julius Jones as the only healthy back. JT O'Sullivan was let go by the Lions, so you know he must be good.
Arizona (-6.5) VS Miami
Miami is still bad. Arizona is still the Cardinals. Arizona is at that point in the season where they start everyone talking about how they were 'my upset pick to win the NFC West all along'. They will find a way to fuck it up. The only thing standing in the way of an Arizona collapse is that 6-10 might win their division this year.
Patriots (+1) @ NY Jets
I hate the Patriots. I lived in Boston in 2001 when they came out of nowhere and won the super bowl. All of a sudden everyone in Boston had been a Pats fan all of their lives. The people of Boston sicken me. But, you know Belichek always has something special for Mangini. Can't go against them till I see them lose. This must be the first time the Pats have been an underdog in some time. I think they pull this one out.
Denver (+1) VS San Diego
I don't know if you heard, but Jay Cutler has diabetes. This is the reason he has sucked. Unless Shane Merriman steals his insulin syringes to inject his steroids, Denver will win this game. San Diego has issues. I don't think LT is healthy, and they have lost some confidence. Looking over and seeing Norv Turner is your coach is not the way to regain confidence.
Pittsburgh (-6.5) @ Cleveland
Cleveland is all hype. I can't wait till they lose this game and people are calling for Brady Quinn. He will be the first gay-bashing homosexual to start in the NFL. What a time to be alive.
Philly (+6.5) @ Dallas
Both teams are pretty good. It is entirely possible that Dallas runs away with this, but I think that Philly might be better than you think. I'll take the points.

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Monday, September 08, 2008

Monday to do list:

-Feel like a dope for betting on the Colts
-Sit around feeling stupid
-Defecate, feel sorry for self during it

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Sunday, September 07, 2008

Sunday Night Sweat

COLTS (-515) vs Bears
Confidence level: High, like an Indiana Silo.

Comments: Sometimes you gotta strap it on and go all-in. Bet the farm.

Friday, September 05, 2008


Haven't quite figured out this being sober game. Lets just suppose I did work today, which is not true. As it were, I would have left my building at 5:30 PM, walked to the Metro, Metro'd to my stop, walked to my building and arrived at between 5:50 and 5:55 PM. At that point I would have mail to go through. Hospital bill. Promotional golf magazine. Assorted gambling fliers. I would perhaps expel waste and change clothes. Time would be up to 6:20 maybe. Flip open laptop, investigate the happenings in the world between 5:29 and now 6:22. Television: turn it on. Left on channel 36, CNN.

Why do networks put the good games, the good comedians, the news, all the good stuff on late? So that when you wake up and inevitably turn on the TV you are already on their channel. Every late football game a network gets you to turn to gets you twice.

But I had all day to get to this point. Hit guide. Worthless Sportscenter: no. Turn to local news, hear stories of badness in places you know or know of. 6:50. Baseball game may start at 7. Football? It's Friday and you're getting the shit game of the week. Damn you Friday.

Friday is the damn sabbath to the football religious. They make you go to high school games, spend time with friends or loved ones with no football, or stay home and suffer through a game between post-secondary schools with a seminary school level of excitement.

Shit, now what? It's 6:58, don't care about the Nationals or Orioles, Cubs or White Sox, too early for a TV movie. Put on music, make some dinner. Breathe. Dinner is finished, 7:36. Need some end punctuation for the meal, something with sugar. Cookies, ice cream. Devour large portion and feel guilty about consuming a large amount of sugar. I'm doing nothing different from what I imagine an average Iowan to be doing at this point in the day.

What to do with that city outside? Movie! Movie over at 9:30 PM. Not tired, full of popcorn and caffeinated beverage. Damn it. See others dressed up, big nights underway, feel a little jealous. Get home at 10:15 PM. Nothing of note on TV, Not interested in another movie, no emails. No calls, no texts. Wait patiently for tiredness to come.

No unnecessary shots, no altercations. No regretful comments to think about when opening eyes in the morning. No vomiting. No guessing how much money was spent. It is clear in mind that the movie was $10.50, the popcorn was $6.75, and the cab taken from the Metro upon discovery of downpour was $7 after a generous tip. No ninja exit. No crumpled receipts in my pocket to shamefully straighten and examine and re-crumple and discard. There will be no headache, no dire need for coffee. No chance of waking up in an unfamiliar place next to unfamiliar person.

But tomorrow there is football so be fucking thankful for that.

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Possession Receiver Dreamin'

Last night I started off the season right by going to a bar to watch the opening game of the NFL season with some friends. I drank three or four waters - my tolerance for the shit is through the roof. I was out with a small group of 'skins fans. No team is another team's bitch like the Lions are for the Redskins, but in the four years of living in The District my hating of them has softened. It's more fun in town when the locals are fired up about their team.

So I decided to not tell them that I bet against their team. It's not as easy as I thought to sell yourself as somewhat of a Redskins fan, as I told them I was, while badly needing them to lose by six or more points. Thankfully, I have Santana Moss on my fantasy team, and when he scored the one 'skins touchdown they were losing by 16. In the fourth quarter, however, it was extremely difficult to stay cool when the Redskins had no chance of coming back from the nine point deficit but had a great chance of scoring a cover-busting touchdown. To the endzone and...right off the shoulder of James Thrash. Nothing's easy. A few plays later, another big drop.

I ended up escaping with a nice cover to start the season, but I felt a little bad for hating on the home team. Those drops really got me thinking about the Lions. As talented as the Lions receivers are, you can't count on any one of them to catch the ball reliably. Back in the good old days of the 1990's when Herman Moore and Brett Perriman were out there, they had some pretty suspect quarterbacks throwing to them but when they managed to get the ball near one of those guys it was almost always caught. It wasn't something you needed to sweat, they played like it was their job to catch the football. Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson are probably both faster than those guys, and are definitely bigger and stronger. They are more talented. But would I trade Moore and Perriman for them? Hell2daNaw! And the Redskins fans have a HOF player by the name of Art Monk to think about while James Thrash blows an albeit meaningless touchdown catch. And that must suck even more.

This season I'm going cheer more for the Redskins. They're better than the Lions, but within their respective divisions, they sit at about the same level. They have about the same chance of making the playoffs. And that chance is about as big as me getting a bj with my IV in my arm tomorrow morning. So fight for old DC, fellas, and thanks for fucking up at the end of the game last night and allowing me to profit.

on to the 4:15 games...

CARDINALS (-2.5) at 49'ers
confidence level: so high there's smoke coming from my wings

This is one for you (me) to go heavy on. Forget the connotation associated with "Arizona Cardinals". This team is going to be pretty decent this year. I should put a futures bet on them to win the NFC West, I like them so much. They should have a decent running game with James and Hightower and should put up big numbers in the passing game with Warner throwing to Boldin and Fitzgerald considering the defenses they will face, which include the Rams and...yes, the San Francisco 49'ers! While the 49'ers defense will suck against the Cardinals, that is all secondary to the fact that they are starting a former Detroit Lions backup named JT Squared O'Sullivan.

CHARGERS (-9) vs Panthers
confidence level: Bolstered, like a burger with the addition of bacon and avocado

I wasn't crazy about this game at first until finding out that Steve Smith is suspended and won't be playing for Carolina. If you have owned Steve Smith on your fantasy team in the past several years you know how important he is to that offense. The Chargers still have Mr Field Turf, LT, a good defense, and other men...arghh, nine is a LOT of points. Just click "place wager" and take this loss like the strong, dignified man that I am not.

CLEVELAND (+6) vs Cowboys
confidence level: Down, like the syndrome. While people with down syndrome have special needs, they are not completely stupid. My friend's brother with d.s. remembered my name after not seeing me for several years. That's impressive to me as someone who doesn't know the people half the names in my phone go with. From now on, put a last name too, or at least something like "ass", "legs", or whatever attribute helps you remember. "Taint".

Game of the day? Probably. I don't particularly like this game from a betting standpoint, but it'll surely be on tv, and you know what that means. Dallas is better. No need to give a team preview here, you can look that up somewhere else. But Cleveland's got some ways to hurt you with their offense, they're at home, and six points is a lot for an upwardly average team to be getting at home, so take 'em.

Good luck laying off the hot amateur action Saturday. If you must have a taste, I suggest taking a big lick of West Virginia and a double scoop of Georgia.

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Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Someone better notify Zurich about this.

If you would have put in a fresh 2000 Flushes in your toll-a-bull after I wrote the last post here, it would be about time to change it.

Uptuh foah mutz!

I decided that since this blog has serves no real purpose to anyone, most importantly me, and I had real work to do at my job, that thing which allows me to pay bills, and personal email seems to have been restored at my job giving me ample opportunity to briefly step away from the work at said job and make stupid comments to friends distracting them from their jobs, why bother with this. "This shit is bullshit!", I thought.

But then I started thinking about some stuff and I got to thinking, "This thing I'm thinking about right now is so awesome that I better, for the good of the world, write it all out and share it with that world so that the world can share in my awesomeness. And I'll do this sharing by posting it to the internet. And somehow, my point of view on this topic will be so special that although the professional media has covered this topic thoroughly, my blog post will stick out and serve a great need of the public. I'll throw in personal experience that no one else can, and it will move readers so much that when the readers are done with my blog post they will be chuckling and then implore everyone they know to read it because it is so great. The blog post I made. Will I shy away from assuming a controversial stance on a subject? No. I will boldly hide behind my made-up pen name and write whatever the fuck I want! Down with the mainstream media, and up with me!"

My blog hating softened recently when my friend informed me that some visitor arrived at her blog by google searching "camel toe drool". That just warmed my heart. If not for blogs, where would the most depraved navigateurs of the internet steer their ships of shame? Porn? Yes, but not always. Sometimes they would accidentally arrive at some completely inappropriate site for them, like wikipedia or ebay or deadspin. It's best for those folks to be stumbling onto sites with comments sections so that they can release that murderous, perverted energy in a few poorly constructed sentences that in the end won't hurt anyone.

So, in an effort to attract a visitor doing a "football hair fuck gamble" search...

Today, as most of you (notice how i'm making the assumption that multiple people will read this. so full of myself) already know, is the start of the NFL season. I like betting on NFL football games. Like a pedophile is nervous for the first day of school, I am excited about betting on NFL football games. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to bet on college games too, but I am terrible at it and wish the United States government could make some law to prevent me from being able to do it so easily. Please, save me from myself! It's your job to protect the best financial interests of me and my family, right?!

Here's what I am betting is going to happen in the NFL games tomorrow and at 1PM Sunday. Others to follow at some point (home team in caps):

GIANTS (-4) vs Redskins
Confidence level: High, like a cool kid at a high school freshmen outdoor retreat

Comments: As a DC resident I can tell you this: the Redskins have some issues. New coach, team that got annihilated in its preseason games, especially in the one "important" preseason game. Reminds me of when the Lions got crushed by the Rams that one game three MNF preseason game about five or six years ago. You tried to tell yourself that it didn't mean anything, but you knew they were going to suck really bad that year. And they did. I know the Giants will be without Osi, but they should still be fine against this Redskins offense that has given no reason to expect they will start out the year as the kind of team that can win or come very close to winning a road game against a decent team like the Giants.

Sunday 1PM:
Bengals (-1.5) at RAVENS
Confidence level: Moderate, like the Republican that you're friends with

Living in the Bal-Wash area, this game is going to be on tv, so I might as well bet on it. I was about to start writing how Chad Johnson is hurt and who knows how bad the Cincy defense is and you have to take the home dog in this one. But then I remembered one key piece of information regarding the Ravens. Starting quarterback is...Joe Flacco, rookie, out of Delaware. I'll tell you something about Delaware. It's no fun to drive through. And the name Joe Flacco makes me think about the word "flaccid" and the person Joey Buttafuoco and then John Wayne Bobbitt for some reason. Could Joe Flacco go out there and light it up? Yes. Am I going to bet he doesn't? Yes.

Lions (-3) at FALCONS
Confidence level: Low, like that band. In high school I knew some older, cool, mature, unemployed people who liked them. I will forever associate that band with getting alcohol bought for me by older kids with believable fake IDs.

I would love to not bet on this game as there are much better options out there. But I'm not bright enough to not bet on a Lions game, and sadly, I'll be betting on the Lions. The Lions did well in the preseason, have a good rookie running back, and an olde fashioned "opportunistic" Tampa-fold defense you can hang your sombrero on. The Falcons, like the Ravens, will be starting a rookie qb. However, while "Joe Flacco" inspires thoughts of offensive flaccidness (flaccidity?), I could see Ryan doing some work on the Lions. They also have Michael Turner, who should do well at running back. Still, I see the Lions somehow winning this game because Kitna hasn't been concussed yet this year and they should be able to run on the Atlanta defense. Note: I did not believe myself when I wrote that last sentence. The Lions will fuck this game up and I will lose money as a result.

STEELERS (-7) vs. Texans
Confidence level: Medium, like my 2nd favorite Marlboros, behind 27's, during my smoking era. What a douche I am, writing "my smoking era". And even worse am I for writing that last sentence instead of rewording it.

The Steelers are going to win this football game. Mark it down. I plan on parlaying this money line, -280, with the Eagles money line (-360) for a nice Pennsylvania special which will turn into a nice -136. Less than 1:1 but a pretty safe way to make some money. I'm about as sure that the Steelers are of covering the 7 as I am that Pennsylvania is one of those "commonwealth" states, like Virginia. I think the Texans will have a decent year, and hopefully my fantasy wideout Andre Johnson does well, but I see this as a 20 point Steelers win.

TITANS (+3) vs. Jaguars
Confidence level: Fair, like the mothafuckin' 4H, bitch.

Both teams have good defenses. Jags offense: good running game, not known for their passing prowess. Titans offense: Known for how good their skilled players were in college. I'll take them as a home dog in this one.

Side note: Mike Huckabee has the perfect basketball PA announcer voice. Just picture it: "Notre Dame foul called on number four, David Rivers. His first, the team's second."

I'm making myself watch the RNC to stay as centered as possible. I'll say, the Palin daughter is mighty impregnantable. So that's what all the "drill now" signs are about.

PATRIOTS (-16.5) vs Chiefs
Confidence level: Lots, like Big Lots, the king of bargain stores. Stop by the frozen food section and pick yourself up some Tabatchnik brand barley soup, value conscious, brand aware middle American!

I know, I know. 16.5 pts...that's a lot of points. But at the 11 minute mark of the 1st quarter that number is down to 9.5. At the end of the 1st it's 2.5 and the Pats have the ball. This is like a pre-conference college football game between a national powerhouse and a directional school. Don't be afraid of the number. Remember Brody Croyle at Alabama? He's in charge of throwing footballs for Kansas City this year. Go with Brady, leave Brody for someone else to waste to waste money on.

Jets (-3) at DOLPHINS
Confidence level: Towering, like a new unsold Miami ocean view condo unit

Jets have themselves a qb this year. Their old guy is playing for the other team. They also have plenty of fans in south Florida. What else.. Jets have a better defense. This game bores me already. Better bet something extra to make sure I'm interested.

BILLS (-1) vs Seahawks
Confidence level: Up, like upstate NY, home of the most under-hated-on accent in the US. Awful. Good folks up there though.

Lots of games this week close to pick 'ems. This does not mean that they will be close, it just means that nobody really has a clue what's going to happen. So this and all those other tight-lined games are like those SEC night games between the good teams. You don't know what's going to happen, but you know you'll be watching, so you might as well bet on it (the Arnie rule). Unlike those SEC games, you won't be watching this one most likely, unless you put some action on it, which is what I'll be doing. That makes sense I reckon. I like the home team here. Remember when the Rams went from being a good team to an awful team despite having a decent qb? I see this as the year Seattle joins them, at least on the road. Arizona's going to win this bad division.

EAGLES (-7.5) vs Rams
confidence level: Un, as in the uncomfortable fullness after finishing a big10 burrito.

I could not be more confident that the Eagles will win this game, but that 7.5 sits about as well with me as a milkshake after a keg stand. It's like how they talk about Anne in Office Space just looking like the kind of chick who would, you know... But hey, I don't want any part of the Rams in this one. The Eagles D should be pretty damn good this year after picking up Asante Samuel. The Rams defense however, is expected to be Lionesque, or young, hungry, and opportunistic. AKA shitty.

Buccaneers (+3.5) at SAINTS
Confidence level: No, as in no rubbers. This is my don't think, just do it and worry about the consequences later pick of the week.

When a gambler and a random event like this come together and both are in bayou heat, its some animalistic, synergistic, wageristic, Discovery Channel action that isn't supposed to be beautiful or romantic. It just happens and you can't stop it. I recommend going outside your house until 12:58PM Sunday, then sprinting inside and making the pick just before it goes off the board. You'll feel proud of yourself for getting it in and you won't start second guessing yourself for taking a stance on this game for two hours. I like betting on highly concussable, cancer-ridden quarterbacks like Jeff Garcia the first week of the season.

So there you have it. I'm looking to have something on every game this week and hopefully every game this season. I've got some extra money because I'm recovering from a serious illness and can't drink for a few more weeks. I plan on modifying my three-step plan of

1) make deposit
2) bet on sports
3) profit


1) get horrible illness
2) save lots of money by not drinking
3) deposit savings
4) bet more on sports
5) profit more

So I've got that going for me, which is nice. One other nice thing I have going for me is really cool blow-dried-looking hair when I wake up. I need a haircut, but since I can't go out and carouse, there really is no point right now. Instead, I'll keep waking up and admiring this beautiful thicket in the mirror.

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