White Smoke Emerges from the Chimney of Chrysler Arena

As one of many people who are on the waiting list for Michigan season football tickets and a former actuary, nothing pleases me more than seeing the number of aged gentlemen plodding about the football stadium on a given Saturday afternoon in the fall. Im torn between my admiration for these tough old bastards (not everybody hangs on to season tickets that are 30 rows down when you've had a couple of hip replacements), and my satisfaction that thier tenure occupying those seats (given that one needs to be above ground to attend a game), is drawing to a close, allowing people like me to cut my wait time from 27 to 26 years. One of the perks of being on said waiting list is that you, being identified as a Michigan sports enthusiast, are listed on email distribution list from Bill Martin, athletic director, and notified whenever something of importance happens.
This morning, as I got to work, looked at my outlook calendar and mused on what a fantastic day this is to do absolutely nothing, I went to my personal email (ahead of my work email, thats what kind of renegade ol A"B"S is!), and saw that Michigan has convinced West Virginia head coach John Beilein to enter the fold. He has a history of strong performances in the NIT during his career at WV, so obviously that was a huge selling point ( fun fact: Check out my HEMI correspondents represented rougly 0.06% of the crowd at the first round NIT game in Ann Arbor this year).
Anyway, good luck to Mr. Beilein. The bar has been set nice and low and complacency seems as strong as ever, so realistically, he has about 4 or 5 years of not making the NCAA before squawking of any consequence will be initiated.
In other news around town, a mid 20s woman, in the midst of an afternoon of mind-expansion, walked into the front door of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house earlier this week, had herself a sit down on the couch and, according to reports, disrobed and masturbated for about a half-hour until the fraternity brothers called the cops and asked to have her removed. They even threw out the couch for good measure, to my knowledge completely unburned. The suspect has eluded the Ann Arbor police and is hopefully still at large. Now, I was never in a frat, never even contemplated joining one, but these guys should really be questioning thier fratitude right about now. I mean, I can think of stories roughly comparable to this back in my undergraduate days, and I can tell you that of all the parties called, none were the AAPD (or your correspondent). Im thinking that with the right people, this whole incident could be great fodder for one of those touchy-feely halftime "leaders and best" commercials.

Like You Know, Risk vs Reward Baby!


I had to get it on, man. He was makin' a move!

Yesterday I received my reparations tax refund check from the federal government. I purchased my home last year so it is a substantial amount. I am struggling with what to do with this money. I could be responsible and pay off credit card debt or I could be awesome and buy a motorcycle. Right now it's looking like the bike is going to win. I figure that I will win big with my brackets and will be able to more than pay off my debt with the proceeds.

Last night I was sitting comfortably on my couch with my special ladyfriend watching the E! True Hollywood Story on Jenna Jameson when the Battleship called (Fun Fact: Jenna Jameson picked her last name by going down the "j's" in the phone book until she saw 'Jameson' and thought of the whiskey). I think he might have been drinking. We talked about who we like in the tournament and such, and then he told me how he had turned a bet he made a while back into over four times the principal and had put the whole thing on a 7-point three team teaser hating on three Big-10 teams in the tournament. I think the teams were Purdue, Indiana, and Michigan State. I was excited for him, but then I got a little pissed because I could feel the gambling addict inside me tell me that I couldn't just let the Battleship go out and place a wager and not join in the fun.

This morning I got my sexy on and placed a three-team four point teaser using some of my reparations. This was completely unnecessary. I was already going to be watching the games bracket-in-hand. I really feel like a crackhead. Of course If I win, I'll be quite pleased. Here are the adjusted lines in my wager:

Maryland -3
Georgetown -13
Texas A&M -9.5

Feel free to mock me when this doesn't come through.

Hey March, how much for a quickie?

There are about 39 hours until the first games tip off on Thursday, and the normal funny stuff is going on all across this land which John Mellencamp and others stand beside. Copiers and Printers churn out bracket after bracket. Office drones suddenly have confidence in their decisions and will share them with anyone who will listen within earshot. Nonsensical strings of letters are accepted as real words, and in the case of 'bracketology', a scientific discipline for which there are experts paid handsomely to share their otherwise ignored thoughts on camera for hours on end. Receptionists, artists, homemakers, janitors, and D'Brickashaw operators become as analytically inclined as the seven figure bonus raking gurus on Wall Street. Portable devices capable of providing live display or sound are smuggled into classrooms and meetings. Scores twenty seconds old may as well be from yesterday.

There is something special about this tournament. It is more than basketball, more than gambling, more than the exhaustive coverage on television, more than the colleges and universities, more than the history, more than the upsets, more than the screaming announcers, more than the improbable performances and amateurish mistakes, and maybe even the interaction of all of those things. But maybe not. Maybe it takes all of these things to create such a nationwide obsession. Maybe if you take away just one or two of those, you'll end up with the Division III football tournament or the CONCACAF Champions Cup. Just imagine the tournament without the gambling aspect. It would be like drinking a fine wine or whisky without any alcohol. If you have ever won an NCAA pool with no monetary reward, you will surely agree that it's just like the feeling you get when you wake up next to a girl that you went home with when you were way too drunk, started fornicating with, just gave it up because you got way too fucking tired, and then decided to not rekindle things in the morning because she somehow was no longer the girl you went home with. Sure, if you tell your friends about it they will congratulate you, but deep down you know it wasn't anything to be proud of. While I am no stranger to gambling on sporting events other than the NCAA tournament, there is nothing like winning the pool. I remember my first time winning it. I was in fourth grade. It was an amazing feeling watching all of the games, circling the winners when I got them right, then getting handed the $25 I won. Winning a parlay or a straight wager you go really heavy on is sweet, but compared to winning an NCAA basketball pool, it feels like you just had great sex but it was for money...I imagine, or do I? You'll never know. Seriously, if you do you better keep your fucking mouth shut. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Shit, shit, shit, I didn't mean to imply anything. Fuck. I'm clean! Clean as a whistle! I have papers from the doctor to prove it! I'm a fucking show dog with fucking papers!

Anyway, if you care I have Georgetown over UCLA, and Michigan is definitely going to the NIT finals. Wolverine Rawr!

University of Michigan Announces Merger of Tommy Amaker and Lavar Burton

"Burtaker" will take over as head coach of mens basketball.



Following another disappointing season in which the mens basketball team is expected to miss the NCAA tournament, the University of Michigan announced that they quickly executed "plan B" following the loss to Ohio State 62-72 today in Chicago.

"Plan B was something that had been discussed for the past few years from time to time", Athletic director Bill Martin announced at the 3 PM press conference. "We have one of the best biomedical engineering departments in the world at this university. I was playing poker with one of the outstanding doctors in the department out in LA right before the rose bowl in early January. It just so happened that LaVar was at the same table--who'd a figured that? We asked LaVar if he had any interest in coaching basketball at a major university. He of course wasn't at all, but when his chips were down we worked a little something out. Let's just say that he lost and we won!", said a chuckling Martin. "The whole thing was contingent upon an ok by both wives. Both agreed to share Burtaker as one big happy threesome, and we got started right away."

What about Tommy? Did Tommy agree to go ahead with plan B?

"Fuck Tommy. Tommy knows he's lucky we haven't Elerbe'd him by now. He'll get over it."

Martin added that Burton's experience on Reading Rainbow and Star Trek will help the basketball team recruiting the oft overlooked 'indoor kids'.

Burtaker is expected to promise a return to the "big dance" once his motor skills are more refined.

NIT4LIFE!

Sports News Information For Friday! (SNIFF)



Willis McGahee, a man who was clearly a little weak in the knee during his last meaningful football game, was traded from the Buffalo Bills today to Baw-more Ravens, hun, for three draft picks.
-----Willis McGahee----->
You may be wondering "Whoa there! Sports? You still like sports?" Yes. Yes I do. I just watched Duke lose last night, which really warms my heart. I don't just like writing about pooping and gambling. I am a regular sports fanatic! Some facts about Willis McGahee:
- born in Miami
- played for Miami University (FL)
- drafted by Tishnik Massacre in round 14, the last round, of 2004 Olde English Players fantasy football draft.

Is great joy. It is us who do the killing!
This is a keeper league. I was fortunate enough to get to take him when another owner decided to take Bryan Westbrook instead as a keeper.
- was the subject of one of the great interviews in the past year or two, by Jamele Hill of the Orlando Sentinal. An exerpt:

Q: What's more troublesome, an ex-wife or a baby momma?
A: A baby momma.
Q: Why?
A: Because they feel like they should be a part of your life for 18 years.
An ex-wife, you can get away from her. A baby momma, you can't get away from her until the child is 18 or older. They're going to constantly ask you for money.
They just want to nag you for no reason, just because they can. (Willis has
never been married.)

I strongly recommend reading the entire interview.

Jamele Hill used to work for one of the Detroit papers. I heard one interview with her on "The Ticket" 1050 AM in Ann Arbor, a station I used to listen to every day. I remember her taking shots at Michigan, but I will give her a pass as she was being interviewed by Rod Payne, a former all-american center at Michigan who was a great player but was absolutely awful on the radio. Why? He's a fucking moron, that's why. Seriously, Rod Payne and others of his ilk: sit in classrooms at my school, fuck all the girls who will fuck you at my school, graduate from my school if you can, but when you are done, get the fuck away. Please don't shame yourself and all of the other proud graduates of Michigan by speaking. Find a job where you can sit around and occasionally make public appearances. Just smile and thank your lucky stars that you are somehow employable.

Ok, that takes care of everyone in the above photo except for the two members of the unknown_player.gif family at sportsline.com. Michigan rubbed one out against shitty Minnesota, 49-40, sending them to another matchup against Ohio State. They won despite shooting just 27 percent. Deion Harris, the chief punk on the U of M squad, led the Wolverines as usual, with 14 points.

Deion Harris, University of Michigan, Guard
He was two for three from three-point land (yay!) but just one for eight inside the arc (boo!). Courtney Sims, a player who is no better as a senior than he was as a freshman, was 2-5 for four points.

Courtney Sims, University of Michigan, Center
Like many Michigan fans, I punched furniture when Sims missed the dunk to tie the game last Saturday against Ohio State with under a minute left. I partly blame my vomit inducing drinking Saturday night on Courtney Sims.

These are two players that are easy for Michigan fans to hate on, but the reality is that they are actually capable of getting us into the tournament this year. They get another chance to give the program its biggest win in ten years, a win that would come against the #1 ranked Ohio fucking State.

Harris is an athletic guard that takes too many bad outside shots, but on this team they need him to be that kind of player taking 10-20 shots per game. When he shoots about 45 percent or better, we can beat any team in the country. So fire away, Deion. Just try to get your feet set if you can before teeing up a three pointer and for goodness sake, try to go to the basket and draw contact.

Sims is a tall, thin center, with excellent skill, who is not involved enough in the offense. We fans were upset when you missed the dunk, Courtney. This is not how we want to remember you. Put that shit behind you. You are first team all big-10. You are a very good shooter near the basket. You are tall. I know a little something about being tall, lean, and proficient at taking it to holes, and I know you can get the job done today. Seriously, dawg, five shots against Minnesota? Take fifteen today. We all know that if you do, you'll make at least eight. Go out there today and posterize Mr "18 going on 80". Represent all the tall lean men out there.

I know that if Michigan wins today and makes it to the tournament we will likely get crushed by someone, but that's exactly what I want. It really sucks being in the NIT every year. Tommy Amaker is going to get the NIT record for most games coached if he's not careful. A long time ago the NIT was the biggest tournament in college basketball. I guess you could say Tommy is just a throwback to that era, but if he should be thought of as anything, it should be like Arnie said recently, as Lavar Burton's fashionably challenged ugly brother.



Bon weekend!

Update: Deion Harris went 1-13 and Courtney Sims went 2-9 from the field. Michigan loses by 10. 1 for 13, incidentally, is 7.6%. 2 for 9 is 22.2%. Combined, they shot 3 for 22, which is under 14%. Michigan somehow only lost by 10. Jarrett Smith is somehow the best player on the team.

Sticking To The Hardwood


Tom Izzo is not just a water polo groupie.

Tom Izzo's name has apparently been brought up in the search for a new Michigan State Spartan football coach. He had this to say:

"Anybody who knows me knows that for longer than I have been here, football has been a love of mine beyond most normal human beings."

It has been pretty quiet here at the office today. I have managed to do a few things, like finishing reading a paper comparing the variance estimators of balanced repeated replication (BRR) and jacknife replication. I will be released at 2:30PM. Some quick thoughts:
-Go LSU
-Go FSU
-Go Irish
-Manchester United is playing Chelsea this Sunday morning. If you are EPL-curious, you should go to your local soccer bar or order Fox Soccer Channel for the low low price of $5/month (includes GOLtv, NBAtv, and NFLN, which is now a channel of great importance). This game starts at 11AM ET, which is great because it will be over by 12:50, so you won't miss any crappy NFL.